scenes from an engagement

on my way
the boys getting all cuddly for no reason
younger bros
me and older bro
sis & cousins

exhale

I am in front of a dented door. My hand precariously on the handle. I whisper her name & hear a soft reply. i push open the door, and step in side. She explains to me the deal while smoking a cigarette. In the quiet i try to imagine the yelling & the tears, but sounds prefer to stay in the past. Between a drag & a breath she lifts her skirt to show me her thigh. Its bruised blue. I cant think of anything to do but give her a hug. Its short lived, it feels strangely dishonest. The only thing that satisfies both her & I is to listen to the diminuendo of an exhalation.

flannelet

He's hung his pants on the rungs of an old ladder that rests at an angle on the wall. There is an old crate - the wooden kind that acts as bench for a vinyl record player
The records themselves are wedged between the make shift bench & wall. He has chosen to keep all his possessions in old vintage suit cases. His clothes & sheets in a large brown one with copper-ish clips. Other personal items sit above this one in a blue case. A third small one sits open, as decoration. Its filled with plastic flowers. They bloom with sunshine, so as long as the lid remains open.

I lie down in a pair of flannelet pj's, my chest is bare. I lay on his bed. I look across his 'room'. His room is made of old bits of wood, and other affects. The room comes complete with a window sitting opposite the bed & just behind a curtain that takes up the whole wall. If the curtain were drawn, i could look out through the window into a warehouse that is the home of this bizarre 'room'. A warehouse fantasy land of nostalgia & daydreams.

He goes to the record player & puts on a record. I smile at him. He smiles back.

Neon Genesis Evangelion TV Trailer

Well, one of the greatest anime series - Evangelion is being remade. This time its being converted from original 26 episodes, into 4 movies. There will be a new character, a new 'machine' and a new ending. !!!! hopefully a slightly more cheerful ending than the last

left & right

"its just nice not to sleep alone sometimes" he tells me. I cant quite look him in the face, its a situation where the tones of truth tend to resonate in the soul.

---

He sits there & explains what happened last night. Between him & i. "After we fucked, well we just kinda passed out... I just kinda collapsed on your chest" he looks down a with a tinge of remorse. "well i woke up still lying on your chest, i could hear you breathing &... yeah... it was really lovely. I'm sorry i made you leave in the morning... i don't know..." I sit there still & remain silent. I don't want him to notice the perfect line that begins to form at my center. It cuts through me creating a perfect symmetry between my left & my right.

---

"She showed up at 10pm, drunk again" her chin is perpendicular to my face. Her hand twists a pen. "So i just politely refused to let her in..." a silence follows and the pen is clutched stiff.

Soo Paprika, huh?!

if you haven't watched 'perfect blue' then now would be the time to do so. Its hitchcock meets anime. A depressed pop idol recives death threats from a crazed fan when she decides to become an actress in a cheap sex & violence mini-series... (i've put the japanese trailer up cause the english one sucked.)

most importantly it if by the same director who is releasing the up and coming paprika!! (as much as i love spirited away etc - this is soo much better)

oh and for those who like'd requirem for a dream - compare this to the perfect blue trailer (Darren Aronofsky owns the hollywod remake rights to PB - if it ever happens)

check in

well for the most part im back. i guess the worst of it is over. Those anxious tendencies of mine have died down. They leave their scars & move on. Its nice to know that Mr S was looking out for me, not that fearless me would admit i needed it!

I considered going back onto solain, but on research that can contribute to anxiety (not to mention that i didn't get any major delusions/hallucinations this time). Add to that my distrust of medication... not that i want to end up like mum... *sigh*

milk

I think. I think so many things. Options are explored. conclusions are deduced. Memories are under constant scrutiny. Details, obsessive attention to details. History is placed under revision. And with all that hustle in my head, i can only think of one thing to say 'i wish i had brought my jacket...'.


Its 7am on a Sunday. I walk up to get milk to go with my coffee. I've been up at least since 6. While it was hardly my fault to wake at such an early hour, i nag myself with the thought that i have still sinned, i should of stayed in bed... and on the lords day none the less.

Too many thoughts. Self doubt - questioned truth. Desires & yearnings. Anger & spite. Existential dilemmas. Emotional roller coaster rides that just continue on, round & round, up & down, and round again.

I acknowledge that none of this may truly matter. Thought is not action. Still that does not deny the pivitol nature of the situation for me. Its an anxious state of being. Engulfed by the stream of conciousness. Compulsively thinking things apart, looking for some hidden meanings in the glyphs. Looking through the symbol to find the symbolic, when in fact there was never any meaning to begin with.

A excess of thought is a blessing & curse. My pharmakon of sorts. That elusive thing which is both poisson & cure. Its that cup of coffee that awaits me at home, now i have milk.

I temper the cure/curse by partaking in vice. 'Just a little coffee to clear my head' i tell myself. Little vices spark my life. I start to read alot (think Kundera & other random authors pullled down from the books on my shelf). I drink a little too much (think cask wine, by the cask). I go out late at night (think day club). Then i refuse to go out at all. I ride my bike (to botany to read Kundera under the trees by the beach, and back again).

Thank god i dont smoke anymore!

---------

These vices offer more than a intermission. Each begins a challenge to the anxious travel through a race. Zeno's paradox. A cunning trap. It forces a step. the intermission defines a distance, a unit, a duration. A kind of symbolic tripping up? Each new vice & vices repeated divide the anxiety's duration. A forfeit is given...

And i stop in the road. Milk in carton in hand. Its 7:05am. There is a blue wolf before me. It is smiles & sits & watches me. I pat it, consider taking it home, but deduce that someone most likely owns the well groomed beast. Its a symbolic event. It is not a true wolf, rather an Akita (just a wolf-ish dog). Neither is it blue, only blond. But of course in Croatian the word for blue & blond is the same (just a semantic slip). I begin to see behind the glyph. I wonder about it with half a smile & half a tear on my face...

An angel perhaps?

tare. tear.

thought

thoughts on Nick of Time

Grosz three authors at the fringes of philosophy, & reinserts them into the center. Darwin (more a scientist), Nietzsche (more a madman) & Bergson (more a French man) are never enough of the philosophies of their time. In doing so she creates a great benefit into challenging those little biases that define what is read & what is not; what is believed & what is dismissed. Grosz does what she does best - she gets into the heart of what these authors are saying, and finds something that can be related to, that is useful for now. She finds a concept of time that has use for politics, and a concept of evolution that is worth living up to.

While she spends all this time spent on avoiding the big names of philosophy (for those more unassuming or simply eccentric minds) she does surprisingly miss mentioning one name who may have said something on this topic. (And before i get to that name i can kind of understand the avoidance in a book about the not to big names). I grudgingly say - why not mention Mr Marx himself. In the world of philosophy he is the one labeled 'more a politician' than a philosopher. So in a book with m ore than a sutler political edge why not? Marx was German, & so was Nietzsche; Marx wanted to dedicate Das Capital to Darwin, but the offer was not well received; and of course Marx & Bergson found them selves strange bedfellows after both coming under attack by who else but Mr Wittgenstein.

Lets now be clear. Its not the evolution of capital (the social/economic system) that fits so perfectly into the book. But rather his notion of the development of consciousness that needs to be integrated into her work. If we can find time in evolution, time in history & time in duration, then surely we can find time in consciousness? And much like her book - it is the movement of time only know by the untimely that is important.

Marx presents class consciousness as the 'class for itself' as opposed to the class in itself' - isn't this another nick in time? a necessary cleavage, that allows the movement forward? But unlike the other movements consciousness preconceives the change that is to occur into the world. It makes the world of its mind - and the mind requires consciousness for this to happen. Consciousness is a mental system that had evolved itself through time, and generated the possibility for history. So i would like to see her take on Marx & his untimeliness - which it appears she does so briefly in the sequel :)

where polar bears fear to tread

Berlin Zoo's baby polar bear must die: activists

This artcicle found on todays 9msn explains that: 'Berlin Zoo has rallied to the defence of Knut, a three-month-old polar bear cub, rejecting demands that the animal be allowed to die after being abandoned by its mother.'

An animal rights activist explains that "Hand-rearing a polar bear is not appropriate and is a serious violation of animal rights[...] In fact, the cub should have been killed," It seems that animals are being humanised through contact with people, and this is a bad thing.

The animal rights activist says the humanisation of animals is wrong. At worst the arguement draws on the notion that animals are part of nature, and we as humans are not. We can only interfere with nature. We overide the intristic programing of life to reload our own ways for animals to follow.

At best he suggests that the nature of polar bears & humans are vastly different with no common meeting ground. In his view animals 'animalise' - thats normal. Humans 'humanise' thats normal. Anything in between is not normal, its un-natrual.

For the most part the arguement fails. The dog lovers, cat keepers, bird in park feeders & zoo keepers tend to believe that animals & humans mix. So why not polar bears? Whats more important? the survival of an animal with a little bit of humaisation or its death? Is humanisation so bad? Not really - it just means the animal would have to wear a cute little ribbon in its fur.

Of course its a different story for a child reared by wolves or other forest critters. While a pet is tolerated, & sometimes loved, a wolf boy is the subject of contraversy & is quite often intolerable. I guess there is a little animal rights activist in us all, but only when we want to see it our own way.

Enter Gay Adoption.

This entire situation has some parrallels for issues around gays rearing children, and in particular adoption. To explain, indulge this personal anecdote. I once met a woman who told me she was agianst gay marriage. She explained to me that she was ok with gay people, and she didnt mind gay marriage so much either... But the idea that they should be allowed to raise a child seemed wrong. For her gay marrige was a step in the direction toward gay child rearing so she couldnt really support it either.

So its ok to be raised by straight parents & turn out gay, but not the other way around. Why? what would a gay parent do so different? Well the answer is gay parents would 'homosexualise' the child. We would raise the child & socialise them in some other way than the prefered & natural 'human' way.Is this a sugestion that homos are not quite human? or just that the way that they raise children is not quite the same?

Well thats one perspective, held by zoo keepers. What about the perspective of animal rights activists? would they dig gay parents? I'd assume yes - provided the child was gay too.

how r u going to vote this election?

The recent edition of the gay pres come with a primer on the political opinions of the local polititians running in the state election. The SSO election survey, Has asked 7 questions to a range of candidates. The questions are easy. They beg to be answered positively, and for the most part they do, to varying degrees that is. After all would any politician responding a survey by the gay press respond with a flat out no? Hardly. Instead we are left with the half said, the unsaid, and the unmeant.

It is a situation of ensconce, in both senses of the word. Politicians structure their discourse so as to position themeselves safely, & also conceal themselves as need be. They opt against a clear position. To understand this situation is to make sense of individual resposes posed so coyly in in the press.

At first glance of the survey, we can see a pattern emerge. No one responds with a no. the majority of all answers begin with a Yes (in some form or another). Of the Non-Yes responses the most typical response given begins with the comment 'i believe...', or to a much lesser extent a question is asked or a fact is stated. This Non-Yes is a place where n o is not an option but nether is a yes, is the space where politicians need to ensconce themselves, they need a safe opinion, an opinion that hides from the word yes.

The one liberal surveyed ensconces himself 6 times. He can only answer yes to the question of supporting gay equality. Everything else ne needs to be unclear about. He is the all out winner for using this tactic, no surprises there.

Next up, is Labor. 3 of the 5 labor candidates are unable (or unwilling) to reply with a definitive positive statement to 3 of the questions. Questons 3, 4 & 6 are approached with a creased brow. Of the other 2 laborites only one sucmbs to answering with a yes-no yet again. it is to question 4. thus Q4 becomes the most contentious issue.

The Greens, Democrats & Independents have no problem with agreeing with the idea of equality for gays & lesbians what so ever. Yes all the way. No problem here, so lets go back to where the problem is - Q 3, 4, & 6.

In 3rd place is Q6, it relates to same sex unions. The laborites typically defer this question. for them this is an issue they support, but only in so far as it is to be discussed in caucus. Responsibility is deferred to caucus, individual ethical responsibility is rendered transparent. They do not condemn the internal workings of labor, or reiterate the simple dismissal offered by fellow members that it is 'not on the agenda'.

In second place is Q3 about legislation supporting parental rights for both IVF parents. Here we once again see a form of muffled support. There is an agreement to this point - but with in reason. Whos decides what one is reasonable? The answer is given - the community. The public opinion & possible legal issues must be taken into consideration. The question of course is why should the community have more say over the way in which a child is reared rather than the parent? And considering that the term community does not involve actual decision making from the community, but rather from those who represent them (ie the press & politicians) then is it too much of a jump to simply identify this as commitment to nothing but the political game amongst politicians?

In first place is Q4 the issue for gays & lesbians to adopt. This is an interesting one. Some are willing to state their support in 'principle'. But for all it seems there is a need to defer the issue until the review on the Adoption Act is complete. Interesting, first of all, candiates are candidly willing to say they support the gay community but dont want to commit until they get all the details. Gay and lesbian rights can wait. wait for what? what do they think the review into the adoption show? I'd assume not something positive, otherwise why wait? Possibly they are justified. After all those years of homosexuals being linked to pedophilia, S&M, corpophilia bestiality and masturbation - hey even id want to get a character check before i let my kids near them.

Of course they agree in principle. But principles can always wait. Have you ever heard the line 'yeah i like you, but im just a bit drunk, ok?' *nervous smile*

So what is the aim of the review of the Adoption Act? To make sure adoption:

* is characterised by openness, and is no longer shrouded in secrecy;
* conforms with Australia’s international obligations; and
* is brought into line with other areas of child law, as well as with prevailing community expectations and attitudes.

Considering there is little to say about homos in other areas of child law (to my knowledge, only issues about discusing sexuality etc for child carers would be the best i can come up with) Well im sure any reviews response would be based on community expectations and attitudes.

Considering that parties are not willing to take a part in influencing attitudes & expectations of the community, not willing to take a stand, other than in principle, one can hardly expect a positive outcome for the review. At best it will highlight the issue as being in contest. And thus make some stance toward a need for legislative advance... which once again places the issue unanswered.

A negative review can always be challenged, questioned, appropriated or ignored. But this kind of action requires more that something to be in principle. A principle must be attached to an action. The entire sentiment that a principle must wait for a review is a denial of the very principle guiding action itself. It is to ensconce the safety of the speaker. To speak from the safety of the arm chair, the ballot box or the opinion poll, without the formulation of true action is to say a yes & a no in one breath, as one voice in the utmost cynical of tones.

of time

elizabeth grosz, or as i asume she would be affectionately be known as friends EG, has written a book called "the Nick of time"

1. the book focuses on the philosophy of darwin, Nietzsche, and Henri Bergson. She connects the ideas of these thinkers by suggesting they each deal with time in a similar, and complex way. She looks at their concepts of evolution, will, and duration, respectively. Each thinker finds a nick in time, a important delay to time, that is very much a part of time.

2. Sexual difference & desire will always expand. Species always become more complex, they never simplify. there will be more sexes, and genders & sexualities, never less. never reduced.

3. She ends the book with a discussion on politics the future. She is against ideals, against notions of goals to reach per se. these try to draw up a state future, one that condemns itself to death - one that needs no longer evolve. For her we dream the future & think the past in order to change the present alone. Once the present is changed, as it always does so, possibility finds new dimensions, and ideas reform. New memories emerge & others are forgotten.

4. The last two points supose that this is true because cultural & social systems are extensions of the same evolution that lead to the development of life itself. political arguements evolve in much the same way people or languages do.


its an interesting book - its got me thinking. I don t quite agree with all she has to say, but in the same instance i do think that she has hit the nail on the head. My thoughts should follow

bodyrox - yeah yeah (clean)

i can teach you a thing or 2

wake up, pup, wake up. big day ahead. groan & mutter soft curses to the morning sun. im in a mood, im in a particular head space that is somewhere between meloncholy & anger.... and i do think that the anger is wining out.

i go to dance class, and do a reasonably good job consiidering i havent been for a month. my driving lesson is cancelled - but its ok, im not in the mood to travel to campbeltown. im edgy. i feel a bit at lost ends. i get home & i masturbate. second time today. Its also the second time i blow without an orgasm.... god i hate my sexuality some times...

grit & charge. i go out for a beer with a bear. i go out & i tell luke off for saying a nasty comment about me behind my back. I go out & i flirt with a increadably cute boy who sends me at loss for words. I go out, i fuck. I go out i dance. I go out and then i go home....

holiday photos

hey to all,

here are some more pics from my holiday on the pacific sun. i enjoyed the sun & as well as getting to know mike better. i visited fiji, vanuatu and new caladonia. i quite loved the amazing beaches & the ocean in general. being on a cruise IS like a bogan RSL btw. but kinda worth doing once - its good to see as many amazing islands as possible. sun bake, snorkel, swim & relax.

thanks mike!!

yup

holidays - done. mardi gras - done. recovering - done. i think im back :)

duration

im back in sydney. the holiday is well & truly over. The contrast in time, in pace, is profound.

on the boat there was little point in keeping time. Days passed, not hours, and when they did there was little point in keeping track. each day was like the last, perhaps not in substance but rather in quality. there was relaxation, there was a calm rocking, a adventure with out the adrenalin. time is nothing within the space of duration. it is like when we say we "wait for the second to pass" we induce a paradox of time for time. Time as this is only ever a perversion, a disavowed reality, a induced fantasia.

the second i leave the boat, time enacts its return. i am dated, i count by the minute - 'give me a minute. ill be there in 5, in 10, in 20'. mardi gras i s a season of dating..not just fucking. we make our must see lists & hesitate at double bookings. i live life or does it live me? its an uneasy truce, or a make shift alliance where movement is the compression of duration.

trip is fun in the sun

a sailor went to sea sea sea

st(r)ailyan

The following is the questions as supplied by the SMH Quiz Page. The quiz will provide information on your level of fair dinkum-ness.

Just so you know Fair Dinkum is a term which generally refers to something being truthful or in good faith. The question is of course - how 'fair dinkum' is this quiz itself. Is it truly testing to see one's level of australian-ness or is it just testing your knowledge of facts relating to what some people consider australia to be? I'd take the latter to be true.

I think the best thing to do is to await the discovery of the Australian Gene - after which point we can begin a process of anal swabing the nation in order to identify among us who is truly...

er i mean a fair dinkum st(r)ailyan.

Are you fair dinkum?

1. Who was Australia's first Prime Minister?

2. Who was the chief architect of the Sydney Opera House?

3. What do we celebrate on January 26?

4. How many states are in Australia?

5. In what year did Australia become a federation?

6. Which Australian female surfer holds the most world surfing titles?
cause surfing is as australian as cronulla is

7. Who is this man? (picture of Captian Cook Suplied)

8. Who wrote Waltzing Matilda?

9. What does ANZAC stand for?

10. Which highway connects Darwin and Adelaide?

11. What animal group do echidnas belong to?

12. Where is XXXX beer brewed?

13. What year did Australia win the Americas Cup?

14. What is the 23rd word of the National Anthem?
counting is sooo australian

15. What was Sir Donald Bradman's career Test batting average?

16. Who is this woman?(picture of cathy freeman supplied)
the token indigenous question

17. What is the main ingredient in Vegemite?
because reading lables is what makes us ocker

18. How many stars are on the Australian flag?

19. Which Australian snake has the deadliest venom?

20. Which Australian has won the most gold medals at the Olympics?


Ohh.... so if thats what being ausie is, well thennnn....

are the following un-australian?

Scientific, Academic, Poetic, Artistic, Altruistic & other achievements that are not directly related to sport or politicians

Anything relating to migrant histories... or anything that might suggest that australians consider having chinese food once a week

Anything realating to indigenous Australia... because thats not 'our' australia.

Wine Drinking.

On an interesting side note - We may test an persons knowledge of what it is to be fair dinkum, the person may even pass with flying colours, but what do we do when that person - well versed in australian-isms decides to opt out & not bother to live in the australian idom?

Robot Chicken: pokemontastic

Summer sun, had me some

At the moment im avoiding any big post untill i fix up my blog. Both in terms of looks & purpose. So in leiu of doing a seroius post - here is a picute of me & steve having some fun at palms. I think its sooo cute!

up against love

ok, so i posted on against love last time - but considering my life is boring at the moment & this is such a great book, im posting on it again. i've finished it & it concludes with a great take on the american psyche & the whole clinton affair...

....more importantly, without giving too much away - it ends with a reference to george simmel (think 1901 sociologist who wrote one of my favorite books 'the philosophy of money' - yeah im a geek ;P) & her reflections on his thoughts about the flirtation. its such an eye opener & soo good.

she also does video too

for a review..erhm

Ms Laura

I am at page 169 of Laura Kipnis' Against Love. She writes:

"Why should the state license marriages, by the way? Don't ask, just play along because if you do, the state will show its gratitude by conferring numerous special privileges on you: there are reportedly over a thousand places in federal law where marriage confers benefits not allotted to the non-married. (And arguably why the fight for gay marriage takes up the wrong battle: rather than marriage as a prerequisite to access government privileges, shouldn't the fight be to uncouple resource distribution from marital status?)"

Kipnis is fantastic - so simply spot on. *sigh* soo cool. Shes come along way from here coarse academic writings & video works. This book is devoted to defending the over 50% divorce rate in America. Considering that adultery is the norm - after all even presidents do it, why not say bye to this 'love' thing? Against marriage, intimacy and other touts of love. thanks Laura

updating

soo need a new look for my blog...

100 meters of black chiffon

leather pup

all leathered up for lawn bowls at clovelly

cheers & beers

a pic from my work christmas party. Me and alfie share a moment.

good days

christmas is over - and surprisingly it was a good one.

pre-christmas was an entorage of parties & friends. went to kooky with W & G. played around with R, and ended up back with my friends partying the morning away.

Decided to go out again sunday morning (christmas eve) to dayclub. Bumped into J, his boy, as well as S and then mr M, an old uni friend. All this was most unexpected & quite a nice lead up to christmas...

...besides being drug fucked, i managed to stay awake for christmas lunch. Mum luckily ramained in her bedroom for the most part. I avoided dad & was given a low-down no the wonderful world of hair dressing by my sister. My younger brothers have grown soo much, they have hit their puberty groth spurt. Upper lip hair & pimples abound. its so cute. My older brother unfortunately is still depressed & remained a recluse in his bedroom for the most part.

Back in newtown - i drank the rest of my christmas away with mr B, listening to snatches of music & making friendly banter...

and then slept through the night in a warmly drunk sprawl on the couch. bliss

mean words

hard cover. bound spine. a stiff black card encasing all that is truth. I opened the book to find the pages torn. ripped to shreds. a story is placed into hiatus. desperate urges for a conclusion are stifled by a maze of pulp fragments. tape & time will not ease the pain borne by the destruction.

Without the possibility of reading - how could we align ourselves to the memory of meaning?

A horse tied to each corner of the page. Paragraph severed from paragraph. Sentence drawn, sentence quartered. Sickly smiles & laughters abound from the onlookers of this destruction. Stanza reduced to words, words reduced to letters. The letters are buried deep in the sand, & only the bitter head of the bastard vowel sticks out. A long and drawn out howl, a desperate & despairing question - Y? Y? Y-Y-Y?

'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God'

I try to read this book. I am desperate, I yearn what is destined to be denied. I am without hope. My eyes tear up. My body stretches into the form of some tragic figure. Anxious whimpers as my hands scramble. I jerk my body forth. I heave it back. I desperately try to pull these words together. As if to re-animate stanzas. As if to set into motion the frame of meaning. As if that would suffice to make the word living. to make meaning. To make sense of what is this paradise lost.

It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown...

need i say more....
i have to get off youtube...

the gravity of cheese

Im not ure if this is meant to be a science presentation or an infomercial, an advertisers pitch or a envrionmentalists educational. But here is a clip explaining the ideal of fuelless flight.

thanks to bunny for directing me to damn interesting.

how to break dance

omg - i love it!!

dance bitch, dance

my singlet top is drenched with sweat, my feet are desparately sore... wounded infact - i can see the makings of bruises and blood. "...sweat & tears!? huh?" i think to myself.


the good news is that my dance teacher gave us the go ahead to move onto elementary/intermediate classes. YAY !!! so i'm moving forward. classes are over for the year...

next year is a commitment to:
1 class of classical ballet - to help develop - posture, stretch & strength ie refine
2 of contemporary
PLUS yoga & gym three times per week each if i can manage... or plan B - doing pushups, situps etc, streching, skipping and a less intense gym/yoga schedule ontop of that... basically the idea is try to make sure that im doing something 6 of the 7 nights in the week to help my skill level... or atleast trying to hehehe

my goal over the holidays is to work on doing hand stands & working on doing the splits... maybe even a cart wheel if i can manage lol

Dematerialise! (take 2)

"Isn't it just reducing? Are you making up words... Agaaain?!" inquired Mr W.

"Nuh - Nuuuh" i responeded... "I was perhaps just being a little more poetic that informing... is it such a crime?" Mr W replies with a cheshire cat smile, a laugh & a nod in the affirmative.

So what does it mean to dematerialise & why isnt it reducing?


Well in a way it is reducing - it does involve using less - but not in the traditional sense. De materialising is about the evaporation of the very materials that produce particular objects/commodities & not about the reduction of the object itself.

Take for instance water heating. Having a hot shower usualy involves the use of electricity. Electricity is generated by burning fossil fuels (coal). If we have a shorter shower then we would have less demand for energy & less fossil fuel burning etc. This is a typical model for reducing. Using less means less impact on the environment... yay for us :)

So how is dematerialising different? Well there is a way we can have a hot shower that goes for the same time & that involves burning less coal. we can use a solar hot water heater. We may not be using less hot water - but the way the heat is produced involves alot less energy to produce and is more sustainable*.

Another example is online resources vs paper resources... Less material is used on the net, less production, but still the same product/object. Basically dematerialising is using less resources in making objects/commodities, while reducing applies to using less of the object itself.

Dematerialising usually requires/casues changes in the way the resource is produced & distributed in society. Solar pannels can atomise energy production, users produce energy locally & not in a mass/grid fashion. On the other hand the internet tends to network & proliferate information production, as oposed to a book which tends towards a static & isolated existance on a shelf. So energy is no longer as much a social crisis of concern, and information is not limited to discrete books in particular orders.

Ideally we should both reduce & dematerialise. But if dematerialising is done with a bit of thought it can lead to one really cool thing - sharing. you dont really get that with reducing. Laundry mats are all about "sharing" resources (well, for a cost). Think about the amount of time that your washing machine spends NOT being used... now if someone else were to use it instead of buying their own machine - we've just saved ourself the production of one more machine**

The question is -Is this reduction or dematerialisation. The argument for reduction would go: well we're making less machines so its reducing. The arguement for dematerialisation would say: the same amount washing is happening, nothing has been reduced, but the way in which the washing has changed to use less resources, so its dematerialising.

*Solar power can be probelmatic its not always as eco friendly as envisaged, the problem is there is not enough money being put into it tgo work out the bugs.

**Now if only there was a co-operatively run laundry around the corner, with low prices, eco-friendly washing powder & front loading machines that uses less water??

some where else

This is Skin 'purple'
- one thing i always found interesting about her lyrics was the way the perspective shifts between the two people involved in the song. Between the cheater & the cheated, between the one who gives & the one who takes. Both the lover & the fool - and so we cry with a tinge of anger, and we shout with a thread of forgiveness.

Purple washes over me
Seeping through my open seams
Im stained all over

You pretend weve started again
Waiting for me to say when
But I say purple

[Chorus]
She wont go
Where I
I would go for you
Id curse my heart
For you

Silence makes a girl talk fast
Speeding but Im gonna crash
And burn for loves sake

Duty keeps a lover loyal
(But) is it really worth the spoils
When I dream purple

card board boxes again

It seems illl be moving in 3 weeks. Its back to packing & unpacking boxes. The move is not by choice. I'm quite happy with the current moving arrangements. In fact i cant imagine a me place being better at all!

I'll be going from a situation where i was living with friends, in a nice 3 bedroom terrace, to something most likely less substantial... I'm not pleased with the idea of moving. What is worst of all is that i am unresolved as of where to move too.

I havn't really heard of much in the area, and i really dont want to ballon my rent by trying to live on my own. Its lead to alot of anxious uncertianty for me... omg! shoes.


Do i live on my own & scarifice a social life & nice clothes? do i live in share housing with people who i dont know & hope for the best? maybe i should hold out & see if there is someone i know looking to move, but will that cut me short at the last minute? i dont know.

fake chemical state

Skin has released her second solo album. Its called fake chemical state. it has some pretty amazing stuff on it. songs like movin' & i dont need a reason are just fantastic examples of the evolution of her style :)

A look of death that turns you on
I’m too destructive to be the one

That’s were I’m going to
Some place that’s far from you
I’m movin’ on

I’m to frustrated to kill your glare
I can’t dismiss, you don’t compare

And when I find my place
I’ll make this stupid feeling last forever
When I find my way
Nothing left in this sick world will matter

I’d have to kill to fit your rules
I can’t resign until you’re through

That’s were I’m running to
Some place that’s far from you
I’m movin’ on

teddy bear suicides

this is 'sometimes' by les rythmes digitales. its a great song from the 90's with some top lyrics... shame about tedy though.

you ever have days like these?

check this out. it's Legend of a Cowgirl' back from 1997. not quite broke back but i do love the bikers :)

kiss you off

Scissor Sisters - Kiss You Off

You say you see what's under me
That the gloss has washed away
But you're the one whose colour's gone
From love to dirty grey
Questions come alive in the middle of the day
Over and over again
Watch me start a fire in the middle of your shade
That's why I'm telling you I'm gonna

Kiss you off my lips
I don't need another tube of that dime store lipstick
Well I think I'm gonna buy me a brand new shade of man
Kiss you off my lips
It's standing room only for a piece of my pigment
So excuse me a minute while I supply demand

Kiss you off these lips of mine
Kiss you off for a custom shine
Pissed yours truly off this time
It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off

Spare this child your sideways smile
That crack in your veneer
Some blue broad will spoil your rod
It just takes patience dear
They rush you for your life
But you'll never beat the game
Older and older you get
Cruch you like gyre
But the gimble's all the same
Oh no I think it's happening


Kiss you off my lips
I don't need another tube of that dime store lipstick
Well I think I'm gonna buy me a brand new shade of man
Kiss you off my lips
It's standing room only for a piece of my pigment
So excuse me a minute while I supply demand
Kiss you off these lips of mine
Kiss you off for a custom shine
Pissed yours truly off this time
It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off

worth it?

I feel like such a piece of meat... & its been a while since i've felt like this. Not since i was alot younger... and dumb.

So im having sex & enjoying it & at a certian point i realise that its not about me at all, its about them. They get off, i havnt gotten off. Things go abit quiet, and he leaves shortly. Im a bit amiss as to the entire sitution. A little confused.

Something doesnt feel right. My gut is just a little too wretched to be happy. I remember this feeling. Its when you realise that they just didnt care. It was about them. And im left feeling like a fool. I hope im wrong. I hope its just paranoia, that im just a little depressed. I hope i'll clear up & stop my crying.

Either way i feel like Im a fool. So wheres that hole to crawl onto again?

on the road again

so i've gotten my Learners license. the photo aint too bad, though i look like a thug. Anyways, considering how many jobs require you to have a lisence these days it was more than appropriate for me to get. sheish, im so career minded these days. ;)

eva

in the famous words of Mistao "my god, this is not possible"

i finally found a cheap DVD set of Evangelion: Neon Genisis!!

Anyone want to come & watch all 22 episodes with me?

yes

One of my fond memoroies of film is to be found in in a documentary on Yoko Ono. In the documentary John Lenon reaccounts how he met Yoko at an early viewing of her art exhibition. He mentions climbing a ladder in order to view a image hung on the roof. the image portrayed a single word. "YES" It was a positive statement, a openness, an affirmation.

Yes is an important phrase in political practice. I think that the left is starting to relearn what this phrase means. I think im starting to relearn what this phrase means.
Prohibitions & Antagonisms are a common statement in any politics. No to racism, no to sexism. Prohibit the violence, & condemn the war. These are all good things to say, but no poplitical project can end with those words.

Of late i think things are changing. yes seems to be on the table. Be it the environmental politics of climate change, the new Dr Who, movies such as V for Vendetta or documentarites like Shut up & sing (which im plugging cause it looks really good). I think all these things tend towards a belief in change of affirmation & in their different ways & different mediums providing a language to voice those concerns.

Most interesting is the American Left finding its new feet - or rather finally getting some airplay - they've always been there, they are jut getting out there more. omething to do in Sydney maybe?

vice versa

I arrived at the syndey airport last night with a strange feeling tickling my gut. It was something between relief and sadness. I was very glad to be home, to be back to my friends & fun nights out, to bus trips up to the rocks & bike rides all over town. But at the same time i felt a pang of sorrow. And no - it wasnt about leaving melbourne.

Lets get things straight. I like melbourne. I think of it as a sister city. Sure i bitch when im down there - i constantly compare it to syndey & pick them appart. But thats whats so special about it. The two cities are in many ways alike. As Kath would say "same... but different". Melbournian people come to sydney and bitch, we all have out little complexes about "the scene" and we all work essentially banal jobs - and escape onto the net, cafe's & bars or sydney to re-establish some semblance of meaning. My sorrow then was not from missing melbourne. Melbourne is not gone, its here in syndney in some way, and vice versa.

So then why was i sorrowfull? Melbourne left me with more questions than answers. Melbourne offered neither the restful fatigue of a hectic week, nor did it offer the rejuvinating effects of rest. It seemed that it wasnt really a holiday that occassioned my stay. It was a unconcious need to see things differently. A minor flicker in perspective.

Close the left eye & see the world - you think you know it? Now close the right & open the left. The world is shifted. Things disapear & others appear. Angles change, shadow & light plays differently. Suttle shifts can be prosperous things.

So many questions hinge around life & love. What to do... what can i do... when & where. how? The sorrow quickly passed as i went to sleep. The answers i'd find at a latter date.

melbourne

melbourne is fun but cold.

i keep on ending up at the bear bar. go figure ;)

River

i really love Natalie Merchant - but it took me ages to realise that the song River is about River Phoenix, and his tragic death. The lyrics are supplied bellow. It interesting to thing about what mourning means for press vs people vs fellow rockers. I loved him in idaho

to sleepy boys, death, stars & dreams. i love you baby, i love you so much. i love you all. so much. and the dreams. and the stars. and the sleep.

Young and strong Hollywood son
In the early morning light
This star fell down
On Sunset Boulevard

Young and strong beautiful one
We embraced so close
Is gone
Was torn away

Let the youth of America mourn
Include him in their prayers
Let his image linger on
Repeat it everywhere

With candles, with flowers
He was one of ours
One of ours

Why don't you let him be?
He's gone
We know
Give his mother and his father peace
Your vulture's candor
Your casual slander
You murder his memory
He's gone
We know
It's nothing but a tragedy

Lay to rest your soul and body
Lay beside your name
Lay to rest your rage
Your hunger and amazing grace

With candles, with flowers
You were one of ours
One of ours

I saw cameras expose your life
I heard rumors explode with lies
I saw children in tears
Cry and crowd around the sight
Of where you had collapsed that day
Where your last breath and word
Had been sighed
Where your heart had burst
Where you had died

I saw how they were lost in grieving
All half believing you were gone
The loss and pain of it
Crime and shame of it
You were gone
It was such a nightmare raving,
"How could we save him from himself?"

love

i'm not david... maybe not even puppet anymore... excuse me... who am i?

bad wolf

There is a little tear in my eye as the entire second season of doctor who passed with out me even knowing it was on. (i knew it was happening, but i didnt realise it was happening NOW) *sigh* just my luck hehehe. Well i guess its for the best i just finished watching the first season, so now i can get the order all right.

This is a picture of me dancing at bad dog party - not the best expression but i like it none the less. It was my first bad dog & im committed to going to many more.

:D

Dematerialise!

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle is the creed of old school environmentalism.

The primary term is Reduce. Limit intake, proportion accordingly. Negotiate the cycles of material production. Avoid unecassary waste. The two other terms echo the first, but a degree of conviction is lost in each turn. The second term, Reuse, mearly reminds us that to keep the commodity in circulation is to elapse the time before its eventual termination. Keep it usefull means keeping it from becoming part of the problem. From becoming waste, an expenditure. And as is well known - all expenditures demand a balanced injection. Something must be put back into the system to take its functional place. The third term, most fathest removed, states that what has been used can be remade. Reduce the exploitation of the environment, by exploiting the waste of our society instead.

The second & more so third term of these co-ordinates of conservation tend to stem on a trajectory outward from point 1 (reduce). Both point 2 (reuse) and point 3 (recycle) require the increased manifestation & circulation of materials. Incremental increases from a starting point (1). These three points can be imagined to sit on a line constructed from this logic. If we work backwards from 3 through 2 & then 1 we find a trajectory, shooting back to a 0. This is the zero point of conservationism. Point zero is the point of dematerialisation.

Dematerialise! Matter into Energy. Form is lost. Only radiation abounds... in all directions. It seems that dematerialising is the radical origin of these logics of conservation. Dematerialise is eternal. Energy has no mass, no decay, no death.

To dematerialise is to restructure society so as to disappear material objects. To end the tyranny of the mass commodity. It is a simple & mundaine thing. Deny the material world commodity status. In capitalism it is a laundry mat. Wash your clothes. What is bought is not a commodity - is is a service. In socialism it is the bus. Cars evaporate & communal needs transpire. In anarchism it would bee the re-establishment of the Commons, to this day still too uncertian to offer a description.

Jazz Sushi

We make our way to that little jazz sushi place. You'd know the one, on a not so distant corner deposited in the middle of surry hills.

"You know i love this place, i like to come here once a month" States Ms H. She clarifies her point "Just often enough not to miss it & just often enough not to go broke. You know, special occasions - pay day"

We have both finished work. So tired. A little brain dead. Welfare and Health are not really mental or physical professions so much as emotional professions. Dont matter what the problem is, youir care is demanded. Your compassion is depleted. Somewhere in our minds we decide a sober talk is appropriate for such moments. Sober moments themselves go best with a glass or red.

Agadashi Tofu, Sashimi Salad. Salt & Peper Crab, Camembert Tempura. And then dessert. Its rich & flavoursome meal. Our bellies grumble with satisfaction. the lopic strays to pets.

"You know i really do like animals. I've just seen one too many people treat animals baddly. One too many people cling to them too closely. One too many bills to pay" I pause "And yeah, i do kinda want one..." Ms H giggles.

We listen to our requested song being played before we leave for home. "You know this is a great place," I say, "for special events".
"Yeah" Replies Ms H, "Romantic occassions & Breakups"
"with a bottle of sake i hope"

we walk away.

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you

try to smoke alone

so im single again..

SOMETIMES ALL THE MOMENTS
THAT WE SAVOURED FOR THE LAST
GET CRUSHED BETWEEN THE GOOD AND BAD
FROM PRESSURES WE HAVE HAD

BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T CONCEIVE THE DAY
WHEN FEELINGS RUN TOO HIGH
TO WORK OUT ALL THE STALE TERRAIN
EMOTIONS TRY TO HIDE, WHEN I TRY

LATELY I CAN'T SEEM TO COLOUR WHAT WE'VE LOST
IT ALL SEEMS LIKE BAD MEANS
WHEN LOVERS TURN FROM LUST
THEN I TRY, TRY TO SMOKE ALONE

THESE SHATTERED TIES WITH NO COMPROMISE
FALL THROUGH THIS FRAGILE HELL
THE DRINKS STAY SIPPED 'COS WE'VE LOST OUR GRIP
TOO EXHAUSTED TO REBEL

lately, skunk anansie

fair go

I flick through the paper to see whats in the news. The death of a croc hunter makes the front page. I homosexual scandal in NZ is also given a mention. A full page is devoted to a sale at Myer. In other lesser news a military coup has occured in thai land.

There is an arguement over getting newbies to the country agree to australian values - such as having a 'fair go'. They dont really explain what it means, what having a 'fair go' entails. I suspect because if they did they might find that the idea's of potentail & equality, of giving people a chance & equal footing is not so inately Australian. Nationalism is only ever surface.

There is no depth.

Depth is the enemy of the cultural artifact. If packaging increases sales of commodities by anywhere as much as 300% we can safely say people perfer to buy packaging over commodity. Nationalism is a commodity.

If we ask people to buy into the idea of a 'fair go', were not really asking them to buy into the concepts behind it. Were just demanding that they say it our [sic] way.

techno geek

I know that i really shouldnt get all excited, & its probably very telling that i do, but yeah new technology just pushes my buttons.

j.s.

its as if it was all a big jig saw puzzle. Time stopped & this world pulled apart. The pieces scattered onto the floor. Its my job to put it back together. One by one i pick them up. One by one i make things whole. Each time i get a little closser to that primal scene. One & one & one. I'm close to complete. Breath bites & heart skips. One piece is missing. A small gap on the board. A blank in this world. A piece is missing. The one that reveals it all. The piece that depicts your mind.

Im denied satisfaction. There is no completion. I'm left un-content. Dare i say - I have no piece of mind. You hide the jig in your hand. You can be so cruel sometimes.

I know what the piece should look like, its colours, its contours. Its tale of dark betrayals, & deep passions. A tilted face & soft smile. Hell, i can even turn over the box to see a blur of what that piece should look like. But its a different thing to hold the piece. Different completely.

'oh how cruel - to make a girl cry.'

indy media

its been a while since ive checked out indy-media, ut it seems somewhere down the line they got a faced lift. The site is alot more user friendly now :) & still the best source for factual information. Best of all you can make the 'news' yourself!!


on a tangent...

....it occurs to me that if the role of the journalist is to report facts - to log an account - to submit a journal entry, then who or what is a journalist in the age of the internet? where investigations are not nessacarily as time consuming or resource exhausting. Where the world is progressively dematerialising itself?

Maybe the hyperlink is the essence of journalism today - delivering you the facts in an instant. Perhaps the degree & diversity as well as destination of those links is what should be the judge of the journalistic integrity of our society... mmm, just maybe

bikes & boys

a bit of an update post:

i have a brand new bike. Its yellow. I think i love it, its kinda just what i wanted. Cute, practical,environmentally friendly, it wasnt too expensive, nor was it cheap. Trigger gears & disc breaks. very modern. Best of all - its french! (remind me to post on 'cyclophilia' in future).

the bike i got yesterday. a little before i got the bike i got me self a man. So fer the rascals i see out & about - expect to meet him soon. Hes got a great smile, & many other good qualities im discovering. Hes read all of my blog entries already (which is adorable & yet un-nerving at the same time) so i guess he'll be reading this one too. Hi babe *pokes out tounge* (a tounge wave?!) Best of all - hes a slav! (Well a serb to be exact, & im croatian *shock, horror* - but is ok, we both follow the dictum 'make love, not war')

ciao bello babe

sorry for the delay

argh... sorry for the delay in posting - blogger now has a beta version that is linked to gmail/google, & for some reason it kept on signing me into the wrong account...

... but im here now. If i had been here sooner i would have posted on:

gay stuff, the odd boring update on life, clubbing excapades, eye candy at the gym, the importance of living an earnest life, my new facination with utube, oh - not to mention the hype around spider man 3, the horrors of www.allbadboys.com having failed to update recently, the evils of mass-mediated-politico-power, wolves, a recipie for making brownies, not to mention instructions for overthrowing the capitalist state, a continued appreciation for the sleepy jackson, a note on the presses insane stance on terrorism, existential coments on the nature of sudoku, & yeah other funky stuff

all written while drinking my dry white in one hand, typing with the other, blind to the spelling mistakes but open to the idea that words mean something more than a mere shuffled mimicary of the dictonary. Words may be words, but they may just also mean something too.

The Bart Simpson Show

well, U tube is a band wagon...

twitch

im in newcastle. i remind myself that im up here for business. A community housing confernece... but i cant seem to keep my mind on work. Im a anxious. Distraction isnt working. My computer is connected up wirelessly in the confines of a pub. The beer that i sip also offers no release.

Its as if ive forgotten something. im so desparate to remember. its as if i need something, but everything should be here. its not home sickness. i have only been here for a day...

maybe its existential - anxiety of the present self.. maybe psychoanalytical - anxiety of the impinging past. perhaps its not clinical. perhaps its justified. water. petrol. life & death. intollerable work & a dead culture that we all call our own.

i lament on the matter in absence of a cure. it is an end in itself.

Dream On

I have fallen for Luke Steele, from The Sleepy Jackson... oh yeah their music is good too.

warming up :)

so kooky is re-opening this friday. me thinks this clubbing season will have an early start, more prolonged rather than immediately intense.

Oh and as i discovered on the maquarie uni website:

Climate

The Australian climate ranges from tropical to temperate and Sydney has a temperate climate. The wettest months are March to May; the coldest month is July and the hottest months are January and February. The average rainfall is 1,200 millimetres per year. Average humidity is 62 per cent.

Summer (Dec-Feb) Max 28.5 Celsius Min 18.2 Celsius

Autumn (Mar-May) Max 22 Celsius Min 14.5 Celsius

Winter (Jun- Aug) Max 16.8 Celsius Min 8.6 Celsius

Spring (Sep- Nov) Max 21.7 Celsius Min 13.3 Celsius

Sydney has a mild climate that encourages Sydneysiders to enjoy many outdoor activities.


we are officially past the coldest month. YaY!!

travelling the world

i'm bitting my lip. i fills the time while i figure out what words to say. i look at him. he's so cute, that cute little nose, beautiful eyes, the hint of a few frekles... I just want say the right thing, not that there is a 'right' thing to say.

Serbian huh? Gez my parents would be furious *smirks*. I can see that you love to smile as much as i do. cute teeth, kissable lips. Though i must admit he talks alot - almost as much as i do. Darn competition, lol. Yeah... sooo, you're like... um... built?... grrrowl. makes me feel so meek. A strong spirit, analytical, thoughtfull, he speaks his heart. he excites mine.

i'm smiling babe, this night, this moment... its fantastic.

puppy dog's tails?

Arms arised. feet apart. bend my knees. My hands fall as i turn left. My face goes red. I've turned the wrong way. I turn the right way. as they say 'life's full of wrong turns...' i'm tempted to add that these turns are '...coupled with many an embarasing moments'.

Going to dance class is a frustrating thing. It really is starting from scratch. You learn set styles, to specific beats. Your feet & hands play different games as the music referee's. Dont matter what you could do before. Now there is only this. The trick is not so much learning to dance. It is learning to be taught. Learn the dicipline.

I remember a connection between mr foucault and dicipline. he showed how dicipline as the practice of correction, as the body of knowledge, and as the conditioning of the body all came together. I appreciate his words as i step, shuffle, march. body, knowledge, power. I soilder on.

I enjoy it. I like dancing with the additional classes of yoga and of course the gym. its a challenge. the good dancers inspire me. a shyness brought on from unfamiliarity is a hinderance slowly lifting. Gary mentions that 'its most difficult for you beacause you're not used to being taught, to restrictions. Your freestyle, this isn't' He places the emphasis on free. 'sometimes though you gotta take 2 steps back to go 3 forward'....

...and step 1, 2, 3



I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do
My baby's love had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dogs' tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free

I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try
What could I do
My baby's fun had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog's tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Put that baby spell on me

what gay am i?

i think i answered in the positive too often...

You scored as The all-round cute gay guy. YOu are a cute guy who many would die to be with..........lucky!! The all-round cute gay guy 90% A Big Bear 70% Straight Acting 70% S + M guy 70% Raging Queer 70% Straight 10% Straight Queer Basher 0% What type of Gay are YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

deviate!

I wanted a quiet night. I could have done with cheap weekend. But some how... some bizzare act of fate it all went sideways. I deviated.

It started with dinner at Don & Andy's. A quiet dinner. A nice side of pork belly. A few glasses of wine. Maybe it was the pot smoking started the trouble. Or the little pash that found me a lift to manicle. Alas, whos to say?

A few beers at manicle, a chat with emma. A little dance & some flirting with the boys. Not too dramatic... till i found myself in the posession of a half price pill. As the sounds became hazy & my sight blurry, i suddenly couldn't tell if i was at manicle, or shift, or phoenix, or bent. I lost a nice t-shirt, and found myself in the company of unexpected aquaintances.

After leaving the home of some trade on sunday evening i met up with Will for a drink. A cask latter i crashed, getting enough sleep for an 8:30am start. I borrowed a cute shirt off Will.

I laid on my bed for most of monday evening, not sleeping first time home since saturday. Just lying there. My mind buzzing. Amiss from the weekend. 'ok, next weekend is really going to have to be a quiet one this time...'

family

Matthew & Paul are my younger brothers. Twin brothers. They've grown up so much. With their little tuff's of hair growing on their upper lip & broke-in voices. They're so cute & now taller than my sister! You cant see it in the pics, but they have rosy cheaks, that blush easily. Its so cute & sexy. (mental note: next boyfriend will have rosy cheaks).

I hadnt been home for a while & was happy to see them mature. I was happy that Teresa (my sister) was looking after them. Giving them love, in her own way. Teresa was lookin wogtastic herself.

Dad was nowhere to be seen. His absence has apparently become steadily more present within the house. The house itself is run down. In need of a fix. Half restored, half desroyed.

Joseph, my older brother, was withdrawn. Finding comfort in solace i guess.

Mother was... well, mother. She still doesnt leave the house. She is like the house. I miss her i guess, but i just cant seem to cry for her. I remember once talking to my sister about how in a way if she was dead things would be better than this. We could grieve then, instead of stuck in this limbo of emotional turmoil. I've lost my hope to see my mother again. I dont even know if i'd recognise her if she was with us.

Wait.

Maybe i would. I think i rember her laughing once. And she hugged me once. Read me stories from the bible before i went to sleep. Maybe i would... if it could happen...

Henri

Henri Bergson was born a jew, but over time grew sentimental towards the roman catholic faith. At the time (30's) jews were being persecuted. He chose to remain a jew to show his solidarity to their cause. When he died in 1941 a prayer was read out by a catholic priest, on his request.

to have compassion above faith is truly a blessed thing.

short term

babes gone. i new it would happen. the use by date was in clear view for all to see. it has happened. all those little chance encounters mean a little too much now. Its all thats there. Evenings into mornings, mornings into evenings. Prolonged departures are the template for all our joinings.

'yer a diver huh? well, dive in deep then'

just my luck. 'me' see 'you' go, never really an 'us' to cry about... but im still sad.

bye babe, enjoy the trip.

history of madness

Finally, its more than any little foucauldian could wish for. After reading all his major works, most of his minor works, & briskly attending his lectures, what could make me happier than the history of madness, in english!

This book was actually Foucaults doctorate thesis. It concerns the rise of madness in western society, or rather how one could come to be known as being 'mad'. Madness & Civillisation was the early version of this work. A book that was in need of a makeover. M&C was a translation of the abridged french version of Foucaults text. While the book gave some insight to his ideas, it was also a shocking piece of literature. References were deleted, translation whas poor & 80 pages vanished in the transition to english. The final verison of M&C was two fiths the size of the original.

I cant wait to read this book... *sigh*

game boy

the boys are out, & they're playing games. It can be in the form of a semantic challenge, or just a plain old polemic. Romantic lead-on's that end in cold dismmisals. Emotional manipulations are everywhere, in many different forms. Mind fucks seem to come by the dozen. Its always a case of you vs me. The game is taken so seriously and you play to win. Its a war baby, but what you fail to see is that like all wars no one ever wins.

puppet is a wolf

the following is a exercise in the free flow of thought, while on drugs. dont expect it to all make sense, just take what you want, or nothing at all...


i am no play thing, though i am playful. not a thing to be played with or controlled.


are there strings? yes. But none that lead to your hands. They lead to my heart, to my soul. To my belief in knowing what is good. To my dream of a better world. To the childish (and for that reason so honest) belief in compassion. Like Pinochhio, i am lead by my disires - for better or worse.

I am puppet. I am a mechanical boy. i want to be a real boy. but like the tin man, the scarecrow & the lion i do not realise i already have what i want. but ironically, in order to realise it i must journey for it.

i am puppet cause i dont like the scars any more, the tarnished flesh of razor blades and cigarette butts. i am puppet now because i have come alive. i am half way there. a hurricane of emotion. i am puppet to remind me. because sometimes davey needs the help of a friend.

'i want to be a real boy' said pinochhio, and yet in so many ways he alreay was.

Mechanical boy. Full of gears & cogs. Sprockets & springs. Desires & machines. Desiring machines. As im sure both Deluze & Guttarri would agree: 'I' am but a aggregate of partial machines. Mini cellular machines, muscle machines, macro limbic machines. Hand machine connects to the arm machine connects to the chest machine. Child machine, develops from the womb machine of the mother machine. Puppet lives symbotically with the David machine. The symbosis interconnects. IT jam's & accelerates with the other machines that constitute the social body. We speak with your mecha language, we travel in automated objects. The world is full of machines! It is silly to imagine a non machine. Or even the completed machina, a machine that exists independant of other machines.

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To continue with the Deluze & Guttarri there is also Burifification. Burification (as i remember it from yr 12 chemestry): A chemical reaction that occurs only when two specific quantities of two differing chemicals are present at critical levels. The burification leads to the production of a new chemical compound.

We have experiences, they have little effect on the particular moment, but they accumulate. Some specific experiences interact with other differing experiences. Accumulation to critical point. Necessary quantities are reached & a qualitative change occurs. In one experience we change. A moment that should be as insignificant as the one before it & the one to follow - is NOT! Critical point is reached. We change. In one moment we fall in love. You and me burify into us. Me and the words on the page suddenly burify into knowledge within - 'wow! it finally makes sense!' Quantity becomes quantity, its almost dialectical baby, oh how karl marx would be proud.

Our mind fills with aggregates & burifications & aggregates of burifications!

I transform. Thesis, Anti-thesis, Synthesis. I move beyond, as do you. The future - our only promise, the great unknown! Man-Wolf-Machine. Always was a little coy, always was a little boy. I grow from standing on two legs to stand on four. My fur machine & my animalistic howl. I live in the night still. I sniff out the trouble. I eat meat, i devour. I've found my furry, or atleast one to begin with. This ink on my arm has sunk in deep. Its inceptor android overides my main frame. Enter Wolf-Puppet-Machine.

Puppet is a wolf, transformed not born. I seek out my pack. Run with be my baby, my friend, my brother. I would like to be with you. But let it be known - i have no fear of running about alone. Would you like to play? Some sharp eyed, mishchievious faun. Some koi boy, running down his arm. Some quirk star fly boy with yer paws all dirty from the club. I seek out my pack because i want them... to want you is a stronger thing than to need you. Equals. We speak, we fuck, we love. Kinship is ours to create. Fuck the idea of a kinship to conform to.

We're Interactionauts, baby. Travelling through the solar machinery. Desiring. Unbeknowestly transforming our chances into our destiny. The naieve actions of a puppet who trully is a real boy. In a moment i'll feel it...

what a feeling

i know i dont write poetry on this blog. but just once indulge me:

dicipline...

i lack it. so completely.

that will change - as it already is.

i've decided to take dancing seriously.

going to the gym was part of it.

yoga & dance classes to come in the following weeks.

it is a commitment to art

to expression!

dancing always made me happy...

... even when i was sad

nothing may come of this

other than a smile

the truth

in a past post i quoted the lyrics to cloudbusting. A song by Kate Bush. THe lyrics are quite beautiful but a little unusual to decipher. It seems to be about a son singing to his father who has left - possibly because he was conscripted into the war, or maybe a anarchist & trying to overthrow the state. Here is wikipedia's take on it:

"There was yet another song with a clear literary source: the hit single "Cloudbusting" was based on A Book Of Dreams by Peter Reich, son of the radical Freudian psychoanalyst and "orgone energy" researcher Wilhelm Reich, who built a "cloudbuster" machine in an attempt to control weather."

mmmm... who's to say?

soo gay

A tap in the bathroom is dripping. We feel guilty. Neither me nor justin or gary know how to change the washer. It seems like a simple thing. There are a ton of tools under the kitchen sink. Alas, just cant seem to figure it out. I ask gary about it. We decide to ask richard for assistance. He looks butch, we figure he'll know - right?

the tap is still dripping.