Monday, July 23, 2007

stuff update

alots happened... heres a run down

this zine thing is nearly finished! hope people have liked it :)
new job starting shortly!!
seems i'll be getting my psych registry out of it too yay!
Jorja is back from the UK :)
i seem to have misplaced my ring which has made me sad
i've been getting better at dancing which has made me happy
i lost kitten, im very indifferent to it
my mental health is the best its been over these past difficult 5 months
still worried about bunny situation, but it'll sort itself out.
Brog's, Zeppo & the twins are all having birthdays - i'm soo broke!
best of all Spunkrat, my ex #1 made contact with me - were friends on Facebook now, apparently hes in Krakow in Poland for the moment.

Friday, July 20, 2007

14. interlude

'We are discontinuous beings, individuals who perish in isolation in the mist of an incomprehensible adventure, but we yearn for our lost continuity. We find the state of affairs that binds us to our random and ephemeral individuality hard to bear. Along with our tormenting desire that this evanescent thing should last, there stands our obsession with a primal continuity linking us with everything that is.'
- Georges Bataille, Erotism

'When Paddington eventually came downstairs again his forehead looked suspiciously damp and there were several pillow feathers sticking to his fur. He had reached a particularly interesting section of his book called TACKLES - AND HOW TO DO THEM, and for the remainder of that day the Browns gave him a wide berth, especially as he kept casting thoughtful glances at their ankles whenever they went past.'
- Michael Bond, Paddington on Top

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

13. Jonas and the whale

Poor Jonas, caught up in a world of his own device. Poor, poor Jonas trapped deep within the belly of the great beast.

He is trapped in his whale, a cage of flesh and blubber. The whale that both protects him from the harsh sea and condemns him to the darkness. A whale that protects from the darker side of realized emotions. A whale that condemns to the suffocating hug of contemplation and rationalization.

This is the story of Jonas and the whale.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Many thoughts in so few moments. It was already late in the afternoon and Jonas was still in bed.

'the night was good... it was a good night' Repetitions of the same thought. 'I just didn't feel comfortable thats all... the smoke machines and the lights... the pill was smacky and...' Revisit the moment. Uncover the details. '... it just didn't feel right' Answers that aren't explanations of any sort.

'There was Bastian dancing with his friends... Me with Toby just sitting, and my head resting on his lap. Riding out the rougher part of the E... And Bastian, his body divyed up by the green lights around him. He danced with his friends. With my side ways gaze i could make out his Cheshire smile and his sweating torso. He looked soooo nice.

'And then he walked over... and then we chatted briefly... too tired i was, to up was he... differing places, right time, or maybe the other way around, either way separate ways for us it would be. He leaned in to kiss... and... I just felt so...' Frowning thoughts.

'He looked at me kinda hurt, kinda stunned. But... i just couldn't kiss him there. I just couldn't kiss him then....

...maybe i was smacked out, maybe i was just tired and didnt quite realise what i was doing, i was tired, and its not like i dont love him, i swear i do, and he holds me and i feel so good, but i dont know, the way he danced with his friends, they're such a different world to me... and why didnt he dance with me when i asked, i dont know why, where does my world with him begin and end? what expectations are valid for the ones we love? who decides, not me thats for sure!' a coughing... 'and then i hurt him i think, and i know i didnt mean it, but i dont even know what i meant, what a fucking silly fucking stupid moment, it was nothing, an accident i hope, a glitch, maybe it was just an e induced dream i'll wake up from if i go back to sleep'

Jonas final thought before he fell to sleep what that night where Bastian hugged him so tightly. He remembered the blood, and for a moment even believed he could imagine its copery taste.

Monday, July 09, 2007

11.Tori Amos - Enjoy the Silence

10. the souls of people

There was a line of thought that marked the mind of Sebastian. It was a line to the truth. Or perhaps rather the problem of truth. If one follows this line 'to ' the truth, one inevitably finds that the line has no end. If the line has no end, then there is no truth. But if there is no truth then to where does the line point. It is knowledge - philosophy, science, fact and experiment which measures out this line. A quest for truth that is a profound paradox.

The problem of the truth lead Sebastian to the worlds of fact and science. Unlike religion, unlike faith science could explain and not simply promise. He began a search for the truth, all for the sake of truth. He would read his books on physics and geology, on Einstein and Feynman. But more than this 'strict science' kind of reading, he liked his books of facts. think books on how trains work, and deep readings on the rivers of the world. For all his cute 'ocker' ways he was a very smart man.

He took a silly little pride in him self for reading books that others would simply dismiss. For instance the 'history of salt' was one such exemplary title that could be placed on this list. The list itself would be as random as the images one would see when flicking between Animal Planet, National Geographic and the Discovery Channels on the telly. In a systematic 'bit of everything' kind of way.

A soul that is defined by the search for truth is not willing to settle on the truth of things of the natural world alone. As things are discovered, they turn their attention to those things undiscovered. Eventually they mays settle on the undiscoverable. Physicist found quantum theory. Freudians found the unconscious. Sebastian found Love. In his own idiosyncratic way.

What is the truth of love?

Is the truth in the word or the action? There is the old dictum that 'actions speak louder than words' that words lie, and that it is actions tell the truth. This is the voice of one of two types of people. The person who would speak this phrase is one who would hate words. Words can lie. It is only in action do we reach the truth.

This would not suffice for Sebastian. The dictum is paradoxical. It must fail itself in order to prove itself correct. Instead Sebastian grew to view things differently. It was words, knowledge that were the truth to action.

What is it worth if you have love but cannot say the words i love you? 'The actions would just be a lie' Sebastian hypothesised. 'whats it worth if you cant say it?' Sebastian saw the role of declaration to be bound to words alone. Right or wrong Sebastian grew to be a person who loved words. he was never afraid to say the words 'i love you'.

It is these same words that made Jonas' heart quiver with unease. He had heard the words before and had seen the way words can lie. Jonas had grown to hate words.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Thanks to Mr T, for all his hapless hours of unselfish blog assistance in making a banner for me :) YAY!!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

9. the Krebs Cycle

When Jonas asked the question Bastian could not help but smile. 'It's such a natrual thing ain't it?' he began, 'but its so complex its hard to replicate' He spoke with his usual english, punctuated with slang. 'Its like a Krebs Cycle...' and so he began to explain, As he did in his usual round about way.

'The Krebs Cycle. Its what makes us breathe.. its what moves the oxygen in the air onto the red blood cells in our body & moves the CO2 out...' he frowns & starts again 'imagine it, a huge chain of chemical reations, each one relying on the others all moving in unison. One molecule carries a important oxygen molecule, but in order to move is out of the air & into our blood a whole bunch of other reactions need to take place. It all needs to happen in a certian sequence in order for that oxygen to be open to the opportunity to enter our blood.'

'love is like that Mr Jonas. Love is about a whole bunch of little interations going on that we are not concsious about. they move us to a point where we bond. We bond & we stick & we bring life to al that there is. As they say Hemoglobin in the key.'

Jonas smiled & so did Basitian. He had found some b eginings to the science of human connections.

'love evolves from a whole range of interactions, interactions that never know in themselves that they lead to happiness.' he pauses 'and unhappiness'