8. Sia - Breathe Me

7.Pause. And pause again

His hand was on my chest. Once again we had made love. Once again we found ourselves together. His hand remained there as bodies relaxed. Slowly sinking into one another as we had done so beofre. 'I love you Bastian'. I finally muttered. Bastian found his reply in the form of a long & extended kiss. We lay there together for a little while. Finally he rolled onto his back. As he did so he let out a laugh. It lasted only as long as one breath. Why do ya call me Bastian, you know i prefer Seb?' He queried. I paused before i replied...

'Your name, your full name - Sebastian - its soo beautiful. I kinda admire it in a way...' I watched his expression change as i spoke. He could hear my truthful tone. '...well, calling you Seb, i dont really relate to that in the way your mates do... its a bit beyond me... its too 'ocker' and your very 'ocker' Sebastian - sometimes i dont always feel comfortable around you because of that.'

I paused. Bastian took the opportunity to respond. 'Aaawh... babe, whats the deal? Sometimes i see that you ain't exactly comfortable, but im not sure why and im not sure what i should do...' he looked at me confused 'im not that ocker... and your as Aussie as i am.'

Once again i paused. Sometimes all i can do is pause. I recuperate the moment and identify a line of action. I thought about myself. My mother was half Chinese, my father dutch. My features were scattered between to disparate continents and finally assembled on this island that is 'Australia'. I don't quite look asian... i have a bit of body hair that i cling too... I have lighter skin than most. But i also have darker eyes, am short, and my nose is more typically asian(...darn, 1/4 chance & dutch are typically tall!) I pass on occasion.... other times i fail.

I decided to avoid the trajectory Bastian had offered. It lead to no-where. 'I love your name, partly cause i hate my own.' There i said it! 'Jonas - you know the story from Sunday school, the one swallowed by the whale.' He nodded. "I've spent so much time running away from all that - all of my past. The past can be such an ugly thing...' Pause. and Pause some more. 'Your name, i know you dont like Sebastian, so i dont call you that... so i'll call you something cute instead. Something for me and you to share... is that ok?' He nods & he comes closer. He hugs me and i hug him back.

6.kitsch & beauty

I sipped my coffee. Toby just sat there and grinned. I had made my little confession to him, with a few fumbled words. 'affectionate', 'really amazing'... 'just dont know... yeah'. His words seemed to come together easily. 'So so... it seems that my Jonas has found a man.' he said this with an inflection on the word 'my'. He was obviously happy for me, but also a little bit jealous. Most of all he was intrigued. Toby, my one time love, now my closet friend. He couldn't help but to ask questions. 'So how did you meet?' I blushed a bit 'in a bar, it was hardly romantic, more comic.' I said, beginning my account of night and a day and a night.

'It was a trashy night, to be serious - i cant remember half of it' Toby giggles, i continue. 'Anyways... i remember checking out this guy. We made eye contact. And talked briefly... anyways i lost him in the crowd... didnt worry too much about it. forgot it by the time sunday came about. So about half way through the day i get a text asking me who's Jonas? I was curious, so i replied... Here ill read the texts' i said making my way to the phone.

Bastian: So who's Jonas
Jonas: that would be me. And whats your name
B: lol. Sebastian
J: enjoy your night out
B: yeah, got a bit trashy, till trying to figure out who you are
J: i had a mickey mouse top on, well for some of the night at least
B: lol cute, but no go, what else
J: black hair, black eyes and a bit of fur on my face, mmm... so help me remember who you were
B: so you had fun too lol short red-ish hair here, lonsdale top on too, koi tattoo... me thinks im getting warm
J: mmm... im still a bit fuzzy...
B: think we even shared a kiss
J:lol hope it was good
B:yeah it was, you out tonight?

I bush 'well you can guess the rest.' Toby looks up and smiles a dastardly smile. 'All good romances walk a fine line between kitsch & beauty. Kitsch was the text messaging. He laughs a little & continues. 'The beauty is taking the chance to meet him & take a risk.' Toby smiles with his blue eyes, stands & hugs me. I him back & we continue out talking.

5. an excerpt from a misguided life

I tell him that i am alone. He immediately retorts 'you're not alone, I'm here for ya.' With those words i fall silent. He has acted in a way to reassure me, but he has only brought me more doubt. He doesn't know what i mean when i say i am alone, and thus he finds an incorrect answer in positing that his presence will fill a void of human connection. But of course thats not what i meant.

Thats the funny thing though, all human activity is marked with mistakes and mis-perceived notions. We act with good intentions, but intentions alone cannot forclose interpretation. Instead our actions become 'misguided' a understanding is infact misunderstood, and misunderstood twice! the first time by the confidant, the friendly listener. The second time by the seminal speaker, who cannot help but become bemused by an answer that is misguided.

I stay silent because i dont want to correct him, i dont want to explain what i mean by me being alone. It may lead to more misguided outcomes. He may try to save me, not realising that the iteration is the acceptance of the statement. Or worse still he may not try to save me - the acceptance of an essentially negative statement can commit the soul to the project... a good thing perhaps, but the soul never commits to this world. It is not of flesh. Another possibility creeps into my mind he may find my aloness (which is, incidentlly not 'lonelyness') to be sickening... he who has been in relationship after relationship. Isnt my statement to him beyond his comprehention, or are my thoughts mearly misguided? Agh... but how could he understand the merits (and faults) of being alone without having lived it...?

4. interlude

"it was sitting on an old leather suitcase marked WANTED ON VOYAGE, and as they drew near it stood up and politely raised its hat. "Good afternoon" it said. "May I help you?"
"Thats very kind of you said Mr Brown, but as a matter of fact we were wondering if we could help you?"

- Michael Bond, A bear called Paddington



"I believe that truth has only one face: that of a violent contradiction."

- Georges Bataille

3. the keepsake

Bastian came home to find Jonas asleep in bed. Bastian smiled as he undressed. the boy had waited. He had made peace in his home. Jonas relaxed into the passing of time... a passing that so many people find to be an unbearable state. As he climbed into bed he noticed a red hat & blue coat held tightly in Jonas' hands. Ever so gently & ever so slowly he removed the bear. He then proceeded to fit his own hands around the body that meant so much to him. Jonas moved in response - still more asleep than awake, and together they found (half by chance & half by direction) a position that fitted them both. A sleepy embrace, a situation where bodies relaxed into the other.

--

This embrace - the embrace of Jonas and Sebastian would become the template for their relationship. For any relationship to work, we must be able to find our way to 'fit' into the other person, both literally and figuratively. For the person who jumps & clings to their lover while listening to the sounds of their chest has a different love to the one who likes always to keep their partner at such a distance that they may always see their face. Sebastian & Jonas held themselves in a way similar to they had done that first night... in that first embrace. Only not so tightly as to wake him. Sebastian held Jonas, and Jonas tilted his head back to find his Bastian hear him... only this time the embrace was more mutual, more relaxed.

--

Bastian fell asleep shortly after falling into bed. He was exhausted from work & more so from the desire to be else where. In fact Bastian felt he would have felt asleep much sooner had it not been for Jonas. Not Jonas as such, rather Bastian had been semi startled by the way Jonas had clutched the bear. Had Jonas held this bear as a kind of substitute for him? A kind of keepsake before he arrived? It was a possibility... even if only unconsciously. Perhaps there was no reason to it other than boredom itself... Jonas had spent about 10 hours alone here... Jonas, this not-so-long-ago-stranger-to-my-life! Bastian quickly realised he was making much out of nothing... stil, he wondered why... the red hatted bear... what did it mean to him? Nothing much. It was a present from an ex-lover. the lover had been to London & saw it fitting to bring it back. 'A bear for a bear' he said. He wondered weather Jonas had thought it meant more than it did to him? the thought sickened him. But perhaps the sickness was from else where. The way Jonas clutched Paddington had reminded him of the embrace he had made the night before. The idea that artifice could so easily replace him in the play of passion brought him unease. He clung Jonas again, in a similar way as previously. Only this time not so tightly, more relaxed.

2. the a physics of human engagement

i about the about the apartment, picking things up & putting them back down. i move from object to object as each new item captures my gaze. It began with a framed picture. It caught my attention so much so that i was willing to get out of bed. He stood there smiling standing close to some other man. Possibly some past lover... possibly a friend. Next to it was Paddington bear, sitting quietly in the cuteness of his red hat and blue coat. I waited a second & moved on. Items both personal & impersonal were visited by my curious stare. cologne, an novelty match box car & an old news paper. Heat waves & bushfire's were the topic of the day. I continued my search from the bedroom to the lounge unsure what i was looking for. I settled on a book & opened it up at random. My eyes skim through a description of atoms, molecules, and chemical reactions. 'The whole group [of atoms] is "glued together', so to speak. On the other hand... if you try to squeeze two of them close together they repel.' explains Feynman. His words make me think of Bastian. The way he had squeezed me last night the way i had felt.

I wanted him to squeeze me tighter. It wasn't enough to be anything but broken. But why did i want this, why it not enough to simply be held? We had not known each other for that long, but we both felt a shared love. So many nights together in the last few months had pulled them together. But until they had met they had lived a world apart. If it was in the present that they could be joined them then so too could it be said that it was history that separated them. It was a history of past 'presents' that I did not figure in could not even imagine what they were. How could i even say that i love some one with out knowing someone so completely... But then again how can we know anyone completely? How can anyone be squeezed tightly enough. 'Its all just a silly little doubt' i told myself. But still... isn't it a truth that all relationships are met with challenges, with tests, and our past is one test amongst many. That picture, that other man... I was angry with my self for assuming that it was a lover first before considering the possibility of it being a friend. I looked down at the book again and in a cynical moment & wished that science would turn there attention to determining the a physics of human engagement. A science of love.

1. the beast whos name is lust

Blood on my fingertips. All amidst sighs of pleasure & smells of delight. I can see now red as i draw my index and middle to my gaze. It’s a cherry red that stems downwards as if to find roots in my open palm. A pain grows in the middle of pleasure. Bastian is overcome with passion. He fucks me good & hard. He takes me so deeply that i disappear & it becomes all about him. I live in his presence and thus I am taken to the point where i am revealed to be meek and human. so frail & venerable. its as if i was cursed by a disease where the slightest touch would break my skin and allow to seep out my hearts blood - a profound bleeding that is the expression of love! Thumb & fingers press together for a final wet confirmation, and then they slide sickly apart.

Pain over rides pleasure but i continue with the act. I pull my hand to my thigh & wipe way the blood as he puts his arms around my chest. He holds me tightly, but i want him to hold me even tighter. I remember the blood as he cums. Each of us makes an offering to this beast who's name is lust. Gentle touches ease the passion as well as the pain.

Bastian nuzzles his face near my ear & gently whispers an apology of sorts '...i just get so carried away.... your smell.... touch... didn't mean to hurt ya' i half heartedly mutter a 'it's ok'. I do this not so much cause i doubt his guenuity, but rather because i know that this was my choice as much as it was his. We lie next to each other for just slightly more than an hour. Bastian delayed his necessary departure as long as could be. he dressed as i half slept & half dreamed... every so often i would delay the tiredness so as to look at him... and every so often he would pause from his task of getting dressed in order to look at me. As we look at each other we remember our pact of blood & cum. he fixes his collar & looks at me again with his soft blue eyes 'Jonas?' he calls to me 'i want you to be here when i get home' Its a demand as much as of a request. I of course respond in a yes... it is an answer that lives in the memory of blood.