8. Sia - Breathe Me

7.Pause. And pause again

His hand was on my chest. Once again we had made love. Once again we found ourselves together. His hand remained there as bodies relaxed. Slowly sinking into one another as we had done so beofre. 'I love you Bastian'. I finally muttered. Bastian found his reply in the form of a long & extended kiss. We lay there together for a little while. Finally he rolled onto his back. As he did so he let out a laugh. It lasted only as long as one breath. Why do ya call me Bastian, you know i prefer Seb?' He queried. I paused before i replied...

'Your name, your full name - Sebastian - its soo beautiful. I kinda admire it in a way...' I watched his expression change as i spoke. He could hear my truthful tone. '...well, calling you Seb, i dont really relate to that in the way your mates do... its a bit beyond me... its too 'ocker' and your very 'ocker' Sebastian - sometimes i dont always feel comfortable around you because of that.'

I paused. Bastian took the opportunity to respond. 'Aaawh... babe, whats the deal? Sometimes i see that you ain't exactly comfortable, but im not sure why and im not sure what i should do...' he looked at me confused 'im not that ocker... and your as Aussie as i am.'

Once again i paused. Sometimes all i can do is pause. I recuperate the moment and identify a line of action. I thought about myself. My mother was half Chinese, my father dutch. My features were scattered between to disparate continents and finally assembled on this island that is 'Australia'. I don't quite look asian... i have a bit of body hair that i cling too... I have lighter skin than most. But i also have darker eyes, am short, and my nose is more typically asian(...darn, 1/4 chance & dutch are typically tall!) I pass on occasion.... other times i fail.

I decided to avoid the trajectory Bastian had offered. It lead to no-where. 'I love your name, partly cause i hate my own.' There i said it! 'Jonas - you know the story from Sunday school, the one swallowed by the whale.' He nodded. "I've spent so much time running away from all that - all of my past. The past can be such an ugly thing...' Pause. and Pause some more. 'Your name, i know you dont like Sebastian, so i dont call you that... so i'll call you something cute instead. Something for me and you to share... is that ok?' He nods & he comes closer. He hugs me and i hug him back.

6.kitsch & beauty

I sipped my coffee. Toby just sat there and grinned. I had made my little confession to him, with a few fumbled words. 'affectionate', 'really amazing'... 'just dont know... yeah'. His words seemed to come together easily. 'So so... it seems that my Jonas has found a man.' he said this with an inflection on the word 'my'. He was obviously happy for me, but also a little bit jealous. Most of all he was intrigued. Toby, my one time love, now my closet friend. He couldn't help but to ask questions. 'So how did you meet?' I blushed a bit 'in a bar, it was hardly romantic, more comic.' I said, beginning my account of night and a day and a night.

'It was a trashy night, to be serious - i cant remember half of it' Toby giggles, i continue. 'Anyways... i remember checking out this guy. We made eye contact. And talked briefly... anyways i lost him in the crowd... didnt worry too much about it. forgot it by the time sunday came about. So about half way through the day i get a text asking me who's Jonas? I was curious, so i replied... Here ill read the texts' i said making my way to the phone.

Bastian: So who's Jonas
Jonas: that would be me. And whats your name
B: lol. Sebastian
J: enjoy your night out
B: yeah, got a bit trashy, till trying to figure out who you are
J: i had a mickey mouse top on, well for some of the night at least
B: lol cute, but no go, what else
J: black hair, black eyes and a bit of fur on my face, mmm... so help me remember who you were
B: so you had fun too lol short red-ish hair here, lonsdale top on too, koi tattoo... me thinks im getting warm
J: mmm... im still a bit fuzzy...
B: think we even shared a kiss
J:lol hope it was good
B:yeah it was, you out tonight?

I bush 'well you can guess the rest.' Toby looks up and smiles a dastardly smile. 'All good romances walk a fine line between kitsch & beauty. Kitsch was the text messaging. He laughs a little & continues. 'The beauty is taking the chance to meet him & take a risk.' Toby smiles with his blue eyes, stands & hugs me. I him back & we continue out talking.

5. an excerpt from a misguided life

I tell him that i am alone. He immediately retorts 'you're not alone, I'm here for ya.' With those words i fall silent. He has acted in a way to reassure me, but he has only brought me more doubt. He doesn't know what i mean when i say i am alone, and thus he finds an incorrect answer in positing that his presence will fill a void of human connection. But of course thats not what i meant.

Thats the funny thing though, all human activity is marked with mistakes and mis-perceived notions. We act with good intentions, but intentions alone cannot forclose interpretation. Instead our actions become 'misguided' a understanding is infact misunderstood, and misunderstood twice! the first time by the confidant, the friendly listener. The second time by the seminal speaker, who cannot help but become bemused by an answer that is misguided.

I stay silent because i dont want to correct him, i dont want to explain what i mean by me being alone. It may lead to more misguided outcomes. He may try to save me, not realising that the iteration is the acceptance of the statement. Or worse still he may not try to save me - the acceptance of an essentially negative statement can commit the soul to the project... a good thing perhaps, but the soul never commits to this world. It is not of flesh. Another possibility creeps into my mind he may find my aloness (which is, incidentlly not 'lonelyness') to be sickening... he who has been in relationship after relationship. Isnt my statement to him beyond his comprehention, or are my thoughts mearly misguided? Agh... but how could he understand the merits (and faults) of being alone without having lived it...?

4. interlude

"it was sitting on an old leather suitcase marked WANTED ON VOYAGE, and as they drew near it stood up and politely raised its hat. "Good afternoon" it said. "May I help you?"
"Thats very kind of you said Mr Brown, but as a matter of fact we were wondering if we could help you?"

- Michael Bond, A bear called Paddington



"I believe that truth has only one face: that of a violent contradiction."

- Georges Bataille

3. the keepsake

Bastian came home to find Jonas asleep in bed. Bastian smiled as he undressed. the boy had waited. He had made peace in his home. Jonas relaxed into the passing of time... a passing that so many people find to be an unbearable state. As he climbed into bed he noticed a red hat & blue coat held tightly in Jonas' hands. Ever so gently & ever so slowly he removed the bear. He then proceeded to fit his own hands around the body that meant so much to him. Jonas moved in response - still more asleep than awake, and together they found (half by chance & half by direction) a position that fitted them both. A sleepy embrace, a situation where bodies relaxed into the other.

--

This embrace - the embrace of Jonas and Sebastian would become the template for their relationship. For any relationship to work, we must be able to find our way to 'fit' into the other person, both literally and figuratively. For the person who jumps & clings to their lover while listening to the sounds of their chest has a different love to the one who likes always to keep their partner at such a distance that they may always see their face. Sebastian & Jonas held themselves in a way similar to they had done that first night... in that first embrace. Only not so tightly as to wake him. Sebastian held Jonas, and Jonas tilted his head back to find his Bastian hear him... only this time the embrace was more mutual, more relaxed.

--

Bastian fell asleep shortly after falling into bed. He was exhausted from work & more so from the desire to be else where. In fact Bastian felt he would have felt asleep much sooner had it not been for Jonas. Not Jonas as such, rather Bastian had been semi startled by the way Jonas had clutched the bear. Had Jonas held this bear as a kind of substitute for him? A kind of keepsake before he arrived? It was a possibility... even if only unconsciously. Perhaps there was no reason to it other than boredom itself... Jonas had spent about 10 hours alone here... Jonas, this not-so-long-ago-stranger-to-my-life! Bastian quickly realised he was making much out of nothing... stil, he wondered why... the red hatted bear... what did it mean to him? Nothing much. It was a present from an ex-lover. the lover had been to London & saw it fitting to bring it back. 'A bear for a bear' he said. He wondered weather Jonas had thought it meant more than it did to him? the thought sickened him. But perhaps the sickness was from else where. The way Jonas clutched Paddington had reminded him of the embrace he had made the night before. The idea that artifice could so easily replace him in the play of passion brought him unease. He clung Jonas again, in a similar way as previously. Only this time not so tightly, more relaxed.

2. the a physics of human engagement

i about the about the apartment, picking things up & putting them back down. i move from object to object as each new item captures my gaze. It began with a framed picture. It caught my attention so much so that i was willing to get out of bed. He stood there smiling standing close to some other man. Possibly some past lover... possibly a friend. Next to it was Paddington bear, sitting quietly in the cuteness of his red hat and blue coat. I waited a second & moved on. Items both personal & impersonal were visited by my curious stare. cologne, an novelty match box car & an old news paper. Heat waves & bushfire's were the topic of the day. I continued my search from the bedroom to the lounge unsure what i was looking for. I settled on a book & opened it up at random. My eyes skim through a description of atoms, molecules, and chemical reactions. 'The whole group [of atoms] is "glued together', so to speak. On the other hand... if you try to squeeze two of them close together they repel.' explains Feynman. His words make me think of Bastian. The way he had squeezed me last night the way i had felt.

I wanted him to squeeze me tighter. It wasn't enough to be anything but broken. But why did i want this, why it not enough to simply be held? We had not known each other for that long, but we both felt a shared love. So many nights together in the last few months had pulled them together. But until they had met they had lived a world apart. If it was in the present that they could be joined them then so too could it be said that it was history that separated them. It was a history of past 'presents' that I did not figure in could not even imagine what they were. How could i even say that i love some one with out knowing someone so completely... But then again how can we know anyone completely? How can anyone be squeezed tightly enough. 'Its all just a silly little doubt' i told myself. But still... isn't it a truth that all relationships are met with challenges, with tests, and our past is one test amongst many. That picture, that other man... I was angry with my self for assuming that it was a lover first before considering the possibility of it being a friend. I looked down at the book again and in a cynical moment & wished that science would turn there attention to determining the a physics of human engagement. A science of love.

1. the beast whos name is lust

Blood on my fingertips. All amidst sighs of pleasure & smells of delight. I can see now red as i draw my index and middle to my gaze. It’s a cherry red that stems downwards as if to find roots in my open palm. A pain grows in the middle of pleasure. Bastian is overcome with passion. He fucks me good & hard. He takes me so deeply that i disappear & it becomes all about him. I live in his presence and thus I am taken to the point where i am revealed to be meek and human. so frail & venerable. its as if i was cursed by a disease where the slightest touch would break my skin and allow to seep out my hearts blood - a profound bleeding that is the expression of love! Thumb & fingers press together for a final wet confirmation, and then they slide sickly apart.

Pain over rides pleasure but i continue with the act. I pull my hand to my thigh & wipe way the blood as he puts his arms around my chest. He holds me tightly, but i want him to hold me even tighter. I remember the blood as he cums. Each of us makes an offering to this beast who's name is lust. Gentle touches ease the passion as well as the pain.

Bastian nuzzles his face near my ear & gently whispers an apology of sorts '...i just get so carried away.... your smell.... touch... didn't mean to hurt ya' i half heartedly mutter a 'it's ok'. I do this not so much cause i doubt his guenuity, but rather because i know that this was my choice as much as it was his. We lie next to each other for just slightly more than an hour. Bastian delayed his necessary departure as long as could be. he dressed as i half slept & half dreamed... every so often i would delay the tiredness so as to look at him... and every so often he would pause from his task of getting dressed in order to look at me. As we look at each other we remember our pact of blood & cum. he fixes his collar & looks at me again with his soft blue eyes 'Jonas?' he calls to me 'i want you to be here when i get home' Its a demand as much as of a request. I of course respond in a yes... it is an answer that lives in the memory of blood.

pack animal

puppet is a wolf now, well & truly.

a true friend would buy me this shirt!

i followed a friends advice to the Prez website... i feel soo durty...

hehehe

kindneys! anyone want some kindeys?

Reality show to offer kidneys as prize

"...In The Big Donor Show, which is set to air this Friday, a terminally ill cancer patient will select one of three patients to receive her kidneys. Viewers will watch testimonials from the three Dutch contestants, aged between 18 and 40, and send in text message advice to the donor to help her decide who should receive the lifesaving operation..."

My initial reaction was shock & disgust. But im not so sure now. i've taken a breather to reflect. We can definitely say that a kidney donor version of 'perfect match' is in bad taste. Adding a competitive element ot organ donation is hardly nice. But is it worthy of disgust & thus censorship?

The argument portrayed by the network that organ donation may increase. They had a point, this may make organ doaning amore popular. Even so it did little to abay my concerns. There are better ways of increasing organ donor levels. And of course the network is making a nice profit that i doubt will be donated to charity.

Havign said that though - should we side ourselves with the opposing force. The christian democrats that is. They speak about this show as "caus[ing] confusion and anxiety" amongst the public? Um... why would the public become confused by this show? and why anxious?

While we have sympathy for the act that some of the contestants will loose, they did choose to participate, even if the choice is loaded. its not a question if invading privacy or causing inconvenience. No one is getting 'hurt' by the show.

If we become anxious is it because often like to ignore that reality is often a lot worse than television? As the network executive says: '...we think the reality is even more shocking and tasteless: Waiting for an organ is just like playing the lottery'

Sometimes i think that our disgust/anxiety often conceals/hints at issues we are not always comfortable with. These are issues we like to ignore or simply brush aside.

Sometimes shows like this almost redeem themselves because they are controversial. They put the issue out there, when we would otherwise brush past it. How many times does red nose day start a discussion about organ donation? I do mean 'almost redeem's' though. Its still indifferent. Its still bad taste.

'jez dave, you can't always keep your heart in a box under you bed' she said. "can't i?' I thought...

routine

***stretch 1

1. sitting back on thighs, stretch shoulders & triceps
2. downward dog - walk calves
3. walk forward, roll through spine & stretch up & repeat for sides
4. chest stretch & back curl
5. fall out of back curl into flat back horizontal, rise & fall
6. roll through centre & repeat side rolls faster
7. chest stretch with angular back curls
8. angular flat back with side roll
9. roll down sine & hang
10. walk out back to back to downward dog
11. go back to sitting on legs
12. stretch neck
13. move into cobblers pose & hold - straight back
14. lay with back on floor & do hip exercise
15. leg in, then leg across & exteneded (repeat for other foot)
16. leg in , ankle on knee & pull knee in (repeat)
17. Knee over to other side, near chest (repeat)
18. Back to coblers - with slight force, in close & straight back
19. Relax legs in semi extended position & touch toes - relax into it
20. side bends, moving into table, grab leg, moving into bent over, & drop & raise, move to other leg, move to flat back, move to side bend & repeat other way (roughly 8 counts each)

*** Warm up

A. sit-up -
either :lots of 16 - (front slow, front normal, left slow, left kick, right slow, right kick, both sides kic k at double time, full up and back.

or: lots of 8, normal, legs horizontal, then vertical then spread (repeat)

B. skipping

C. pushups

D. tricep exercie

E. chinups (if i can but i usually cant hehehe)

***stretch 2

21. Roll over legs into downward dog
22. roll through to stand hamstring stretch, knee close
23. while stretching move up and down on ball of other foot 8 times
24. push leg back, pull foot up. (repeat 23 & 24 for other foot)
25. back to downward dog
26. move leg between hands & pull head to knee (repeat)
27. hamstring stretch sitting (repeat)
29. touch toes while sitting (one leg only - pointing & flexing/ centre-side-centre & straight flexed back variations as req)
28. toe touch both - straight back, relax into it
29. toe touch, with assistance (preasure on lower back)
30. toe touch with legs squared
31. toe touch with legs as far as can go (preasure)
32. move to either side with oppoiste arm to leg combo
33. walk over extended legs into a reverse coblers & slowy relax & adjust
34. sit back & shake out

*** move into cardio (10-20min, one to two strands

A. yoga
B. basic routine combonations
C. a bike ride
D. skipping

*** ballet basics (41 - 44)

35. rolling through the foot
36. pliés demi & grand
37. balance
38. tondu - front back side & off ground
39. Battlement
40. Rond de jambe
41. rond de jambe raised
42. pirouette
43. jeté
44. tondu with arms (hate arms, never can time it)

*** preparations (selection of 3 or so, 4-8 reps, 3 sets)

A. Pencil turns etc
B. Movement pieces
C. Hand stands
D. release exercies
E. ballet complex
F. spinning (in air, pencil turns etc depending)

*** quick stretch out

*** done

license to thrill

I got my P plates on wednesday!! YAY!!

Updates

Hey all, so i've updated my blog a bit - finally put in some of the blog links that i check out... and now so can you. They're a extended family of sorts.

I'm also considering updating the banner, but i'm a bit stuck for inpiration. I could reference my tattoos, or possibly puppets. Maybe wolves. I like fairy tale chic. I dont know. When people think of me, what do they see?

sat on your lap

he tells me that he talks in circles. 'more like palindromes' i think to myself. Palindromes: the angels sung, the devils repeated back(wards). My initial response is to interpret such a statement in the negative. To talk in circles is the error of 'petitio principii'. Circular logic - the answer begs the question. But he says it with an air of confidence that skews his meaning to make it a positive quality. Either that or a sarcastic smile.

Possibly then it is something else. Maybe it is my logic. The logic of departures & arrivals. The logic of the second world that no longer exists and perhaps never did. Perhaps it is the oddity that Ugresic calls dress making. It is the act of introducing all the pieces at the start & binding them through sewing to make the seamless dress that is writing.

I shrug the idea that he could have read this, or felt this of writing/ideas. Instead i think through the multiple patterns of meaning. I settle for 'full circle'. Maybe its the idea that circular denotes completion. Perhaps it is in fact that his arguments can end where they began that shows his ability to comprehend the depth that is all around us.

He continues to talk & i am over come with an amazing sense of affection. Im probably wrong with my thoughts, they are stil to raw. maybe he is the sophist that wishes to escape the errors of argument. Or maybe he argues with the idea that he could reach my soul, that something outside of thought - the revolutionary. It is the completion of the circle.

I enjoy the openness that allows me to think while he thinks. I wander his/mine/our thoughts. I make us a beautiful dress & I enjoy my incorrectness. He tells me that he talks in circles. I smile & pick myself up & place myself on his lap.

I draw my fingers around his sly smile. He is too perfect (even with his imperfection!!, i want to hate him for it, but i love it, i love it so much more than i thought i would. Me the perfectionist! - me who MUST read the book from start to finish. I like straight line, so what is this circle???). He tells me all i need to know. I want to be here with his circular smile.

marage

how does one understand marriage? through the fantasies perpetrated by society who can only deal with an ending that is happy ever after? Or do we better understand it through its marginalised other? Through what stands in prefect diametric opposition to marriage, by this i mean - DIVORCE.

My reply would be that Divorce says much more about the truth of marriage than marriage does. To look at marriage is to look at a photo album of the memories that deserved to be saved - because they are pure. While to look at divorce is to sort through a garbage bin of what has been made & pushed aside. and as we know truth is truly a filthy subject.

The image above is from a firm of divorce lawyers advertising their firm to potential clients. It made the head lines when the sign was taken down by the disgruntled individuals who rented out the sign. the entire debate in the press did not surround the horror of people taking down a sign. Rather, it focused on whether the sign's message was in good or bad taste (Given America's love of the freedom of speech this should be considered quite odd.)

The australian press did not deal with it much, the SMH inserted a piece t hat was very open to interpretation - the violation of art vs the violence of the human body. The US press took a more interesting approach & sought to get the condemnation from lawyers themselves. Not just any lawyers though, divorce lawyers. And why not, the statement the poster makes is one that the divorce lawyers have loved to hate - it is a picture that represents their existence.

For those who did not follow the link for the above debate - well it focused on the way that the poster cheapened divorce. **** as divorce lawyers explained "Divorce is traumatic enough without this kind of [advertising]. We try and help people go through the divorce process with as much integrity as possible. A lot of my work is helping people grieve the loss of a divorce, and their own sense of betrayal. This makes divorce seem like it's not a big deal, and it's a huge deal for many people".

Well here's the catch - When the marriage lawyers against the sign say 'we help people get through divorce with integrity' they implicitly remind us that divorce destroys integrity, no matter what the reason, no matter who is the perpetrator, it is humiliating to admit that your life choice was wrong. The poster brings the humiliation [sic] to the fore front, it show it for what it is. Marriage is a limit, and not a heaven. It is a limit to who you are or who you sleep with (by traditional standards). Is that the body that i could have? Or maybe the body i could be? Its a limit that you now transgress through divorce. Oh, how you should be ashamed. And yet at the same time divorced people out number happy one timer couples. It is an anxiety that we relate to. Some fear it. Others challenge it.

This fear stems from our notions of marriage. Marriage has integrity, divorce does not. Marriage is the implicit "correct-choice" while divorce is the implicit "inncorrect-accident" and as we know accidents are not by choice.

Divorce is a disavowal of marriage. Marriage is interpreted as sacred. (as the lawyer in the linked article states). If it is sacred then the idea of making a mistake is already a problematic one. So then if a gay (take that as male for the moment)asks for gay marriage, then what does that mean?

The end of the sacred - gay marriage is not tradition, it is modern. gays are promiscuous, they are servants to the "inncorrect-accident". They highlight the inadequcacy of divorce, just as they do gender roles.

right wingers are able to use gay marriage as a tactic to win elections because gays are a symbolic fro may of the problems already inherent in marrage . That is 'straying' Not to say that all gays stray, or that denying gays marriage because they may stray is valid. It is worth only saying that marriage cannot tolerate straying & so gays who are precieved to be permiscuious & 'stray' are untolerable. (Of course leabians may be different... if they ever get media attention)

As Laura Kipnis said in Against Love (ps read this book!) "conservative think tanks like the Institute for American values issued what was billed as 'nonpartisan' reports suggesting an end to no-fault divorce, as a way of ' strengthening civil society' and 'improving the quality of marriage.' How preventing divorce would improve marriages and not just further the unhappiness of the unhappily married remained unspecified."*


****though one would think that what it actually does is point s out how
divorce cheapens marriage. "life is short, dont wait till death do us part"

revenge?

The thought occurred to me the other day that the opposition to gay marriage can be imagined as a kind of revenge. This logical jump came to me as i sat in the Newtown & noticed that Pauline Pantsdown's old hit was playing, you know the one, with the infamous line '...im a back door man.' Obviously with Pauline's interview in the SX recently someone had decided a good reminisce was in order.

Pauline Pantsdown. A gay man dresses as a parodied Pauline Hanson. He samples her words & releases a song & gains popular support. Its a direct attack on her racist attitudes from an unlikely source. A gay (white) man. The gay community fights against the persecution of the Asian community.

Several years latter & there is a war on terror. Out of no where is a push to ban gay marriage - not that anyone was making any real effort to get it introduced. And of course the gay community fights against the ban. The right learned their lesson - be ware of people joining together. So how to you stop people joining together? Play on the pre-existing tensions.

Lets do a little role play & imagine some right wing think tank sussing the situation out:

"Well - the war on Iraq is going to generate opposition. Its not going to look good for the party. Worse still it may stop the war. Oil, money, international positioning... too important to back off. Well, what to do?! Well we know many of the middie's* are mainly Muslim. Bingo. The r-r-race card.'
'Wait' a colleague mutters 'that may not work, remember Pauline Hanson/Pantsdown? it could cause a back lash, how we going to manage that?'
"Well..." he replies with a grin "Maybe this is some time for revenge on those lefties. Lets pull the pants over their heads these times. Muslims are fairly Conservative - if we pushed something like a gay marriage ban they'd support it. The lefties who'd want to be there all lovey-dovey in support would get a wake up call when they realise they're supporting the enemy. The gays wont like it, but hey, they're not a key constituency, besides we'll get heaps of pro-family support. Fantastic!

*i imagine they'd give a nick name to the grouping of people from the middle east.

camp betty

this looks like it could be pretty good, not sure if im going yet, but heads up!!

www.campbetty.net