2. the a physics of human engagement

i about the about the apartment, picking things up & putting them back down. i move from object to object as each new item captures my gaze. It began with a framed picture. It caught my attention so much so that i was willing to get out of bed. He stood there smiling standing close to some other man. Possibly some past lover... possibly a friend. Next to it was Paddington bear, sitting quietly in the cuteness of his red hat and blue coat. I waited a second & moved on. Items both personal & impersonal were visited by my curious stare. cologne, an novelty match box car & an old news paper. Heat waves & bushfire's were the topic of the day. I continued my search from the bedroom to the lounge unsure what i was looking for. I settled on a book & opened it up at random. My eyes skim through a description of atoms, molecules, and chemical reactions. 'The whole group [of atoms] is "glued together', so to speak. On the other hand... if you try to squeeze two of them close together they repel.' explains Feynman. His words make me think of Bastian. The way he had squeezed me last night the way i had felt.

I wanted him to squeeze me tighter. It wasn't enough to be anything but broken. But why did i want this, why it not enough to simply be held? We had not known each other for that long, but we both felt a shared love. So many nights together in the last few months had pulled them together. But until they had met they had lived a world apart. If it was in the present that they could be joined them then so too could it be said that it was history that separated them. It was a history of past 'presents' that I did not figure in could not even imagine what they were. How could i even say that i love some one with out knowing someone so completely... But then again how can we know anyone completely? How can anyone be squeezed tightly enough. 'Its all just a silly little doubt' i told myself. But still... isn't it a truth that all relationships are met with challenges, with tests, and our past is one test amongst many. That picture, that other man... I was angry with my self for assuming that it was a lover first before considering the possibility of it being a friend. I looked down at the book again and in a cynical moment & wished that science would turn there attention to determining the a physics of human engagement. A science of love.