Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Many thoughts in so few moments. It was already late in the afternoon and Jonas was still in bed.

'the night was good... it was a good night' Repetitions of the same thought. 'I just didn't feel comfortable thats all... the smoke machines and the lights... the pill was smacky and...' Revisit the moment. Uncover the details. '... it just didn't feel right' Answers that aren't explanations of any sort.

'There was Bastian dancing with his friends... Me with Toby just sitting, and my head resting on his lap. Riding out the rougher part of the E... And Bastian, his body divyed up by the green lights around him. He danced with his friends. With my side ways gaze i could make out his Cheshire smile and his sweating torso. He looked soooo nice.

'And then he walked over... and then we chatted briefly... too tired i was, to up was he... differing places, right time, or maybe the other way around, either way separate ways for us it would be. He leaned in to kiss... and... I just felt so...' Frowning thoughts.

'He looked at me kinda hurt, kinda stunned. But... i just couldn't kiss him there. I just couldn't kiss him then....

...maybe i was smacked out, maybe i was just tired and didnt quite realise what i was doing, i was tired, and its not like i dont love him, i swear i do, and he holds me and i feel so good, but i dont know, the way he danced with his friends, they're such a different world to me... and why didnt he dance with me when i asked, i dont know why, where does my world with him begin and end? what expectations are valid for the ones we love? who decides, not me thats for sure!' a coughing... 'and then i hurt him i think, and i know i didnt mean it, but i dont even know what i meant, what a fucking silly fucking stupid moment, it was nothing, an accident i hope, a glitch, maybe it was just an e induced dream i'll wake up from if i go back to sleep'

Jonas final thought before he fell to sleep what that night where Bastian hugged him so tightly. He remembered the blood, and for a moment even believed he could imagine its copery taste.

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