Friday, April 28, 2006

there are no pieces left to pick up

luke sent me a text message today. A back handed thanks. Rightly deserved i suppose - i mailed him back his copy of No Logo with some inked scrible left in the front cover. The web address to the pdf for a statutory declaration, to be exact. The conversation deteriorated into one of blame & hurt. I lamented on it for a bit. I had changed from being his 'rock' to being his 'bad friend'.

After the unfounded accusations & childish blog posts I'd had enough. 'Like talking to a brick wall' commented one friend 'he lives in his own little fantasy world half the time, the other half of the time hes pushing his fantasies onto everyone else'

I brushed the events aside. A hour later i found myself falling apart. I got into a bad mood. Something came over me & feelings surfaced... unexpected feelings about something else... something different.

I remembered an incident with Mrs A. An ex-house mate. It occured after she had moved out. The mothership had landed in Newtown cemetary to celebrate some event. I cant quite remember what it was... but i guess thats not important. What was important was what she said. I remember it quite clearly: 'we're not friends'. So simply said. Such a flat matter-of-fact voice. So unlike her usual poetic banter. Bam! Full Stop.

My face flushed red. i was embarassed infront of my friends. I was a fool smiling. I had apparently assumed too much. The trust that comes with sharing a home disappeared so quickly in a puff of smoke in her eyes. The small courtesies that are exchanged in share housing no longer applied. The little pieces of kindness that i offered & she accepted were erased, or atleast forgotten for the moment.

I imagine it was much like hitting a wall at high speed. An immediate stop. The force of your previous momentum crushes your body. The soft tissue colapses were hard metal & stone do not.

No appologies. No recognition. Friends offered condolances to my perished body & reminded me that walls are never to blame.

I let it go. I let it slide. I could find no pieces left to pick up. No cogs. No valves. No motor. None. There was nothing left to ride.

Once again i've hit the same wall. Once again there are no pieces left to pick up.

13 comments:

rapunzel.emma said...

In my uniquely hypocritical fashion, I did end up going to the party. Jorja really wanted me and josh and marnie there, and they both said they wouldn't mind going to a party. It was nice to see all the people i'd not seen for ages, including nat and leigh.

and good for marnie and josh, i think.

as for the past - and the questions of justice, fairness, hurt and disappointment?

they are not a priority for me at this stage of life.

a party is just a party.

lukely said...

Maybe you're not as supportive as you thought you were. You were there a lot for me when Justin and I broke up, but when I needed you in a way you weren't prepared to be, you just stop talking to me. You never asked why I was angry, never engaged with my feelings or discussed things with me. You just stopped talking to me. I was never flippant about you or anything you were going through, I supported you in your break up with will, in your completion of your studies, in your search for a job. Supportive way back to when you were living out in liverpool in a bad situation and were quite alone. I never stopped talking to you. I even invited you to my housewarming.

I remember when I asked if you were avoiding me and you said you were "just taking time out for a while," and "just going through a selfish period." Somehow I was the only person you took time out away from, and its a shame that when people are selfish they can actually end up hurting people. Maybe if you'd never been such a good friend in the first place it wouldn't have hurt so much.

puppet said...

YOU called me your 'rock' - then you called me a 'bad friend' *sigh* change the label to suit your mood.

you forget i called you at christmas to invite you to the cemetary - you were very unbecoming in your response.

i didnt go to your party because i thought it bad form to enter someones home when so many other things are in disarray.

Yes i wasnt prepared to support you in the way you asked - because what you asked was unreasonable & inappropriate.

Asking me not to live with my friend, as if its some easy thing, shows a disreguard for my well being. the fact that you never tried to have reasonable discussion on this subject validates my concern.

but the reason why i've taken no effort to mend this friendship is because of the way you've talked about me on your blog & the way you've treated me in public scince your decission.

Anonymous said...

why on earth do you people have these conversations in the public domain? ever heard of email??

lukely said...

I tried to discuss it with you a number of times and you told me to drop it, so i did.

puppet said...

*smiles* i wrote 'reasonable discusion'. This disqualifies the moments where you jumped me with the issue (my party for instance). Reasonable is having a discussion as equals - you know - asking for each others perspective, talking in a neutral space, flaging the issue b4 coming to the table etc.

Ah, You know all this.

luke. dont bother replying. My blog post is not an opportunity to open a discussion. Rather it is a end point.

Its a brick wall. A Dead end. I needed to say my piece & i did.

Warcai said...

I do so thoroughly enjoy reading your quirky jottings Mr Puppet. But, if I may be so bold ... more of Mr Lukely, please! SO much spleen to vent – it quite excites me! It has to make our own tragic life seem all the more inconsequential.
Skipping past, as is one's wont (Is the apostrophe correct? I do hope so, but can never be sure.) on the outer spiral arms of several of your respective universes I am left wanting to know more of Our Mr Lukely. His pains, his joys, his uncomfortable yeast infections. His own journey into that Heart of Darkness. I sometimes sense, in his syntax, a Suburban Suffragette set assail on the High Seas of the Seething Inner City only to be surrounded by Sirens and Sea monsters.
Imagine, Mr L, the true worth of a blog of one's own for one such as yourself. Go, Mr Lukely! Go free and blog. I, for one, will wait with breath baited to read more of your peregrinations.
But enough! This is, after all, Mr Puppet's Blog. So in future it is he to whom I shall be addressing my ramblings. Bravo, Mr Puppet, Bravo!
Just remember Mr Lukely, an enthusiastic readership awaits you should you only pleasure us all by drawing us closer into your intrigues and assignations.

puppet said...

who's you warcai?

Warcai said...

Nothing more than a smile on the breeze - or perhaps a breeze whispering past your own refreshing smile! Keep well, Mr Puppet.

puppet said...

you know who i am, so its fair for me to know who you r - dont cha think, girlfriend?

Warcai said...

I'm not so sure that "fair" is always as fair as we'd like in this world or many others. But yes, it is unfair. I do, however, feel that my anonimity is a part of who I want to be now. If that troubles you - I can understand entirely. For me, though, it's just easier for my life to not be a face. Should you prefer me not to read, and at times respond, I'm more than understanding of that choice.

puppet said...

do what you want to do babe - flip a coin if it serves.

Warcai said...

Would that make me Rosencrantz or Guildenstern? And can the men all wear tights? This evening I just feel like an Old Tragedean! But enough of this nonsense - I'll see you as another post sometime. xo