Saturday, August 06, 2005

think of it as a verbal tattoo

I have a new name now - puppet. Its cool if people call me davey, its still my name too, just want kids to know that i think of myself as puppet at the moment. It is not a name that i will have for ever, it will have a use by date. Its just a name, not some surmise of my identity. I was not on drugs during the decission & like getting any new tattoo i had some thought to it before i went & appropriated it for myself. Changing my name - playfully or serious - acts as a catharsis. Too often we tell ourselves 'i'm a this person', or 'i cant do that, its just not me' etc a new name is the possibility (& only the possibility) to bypass this. I knew i felt different & was changing. Mainly due to my relationship with Will & the resulting break up, that was the catalyist but not the sole cause. I went numb for a little bit post breakup - a calm before the storm. & in a flood of emotion it was done.

Why puppet? Thats a little tough to explain. The name 'came' to me intuitively, not reasoned out, but it felt right. On rationalisation the name 'puppet' could be transcribed to 3 areas of my life. In my love of dancing & my experience of the scene - cute little boy with crazy body movements. In my theoretical underpining of post structuralism (performativity, subjectivity etc). In my break up with Will (the strings to my heart were pulled). Of course there are other incidental reasons. I like performing & so lends itself to performance, its a cute
name, it gives something for my friends to gossip about, its blogesque, its fun ;)

Why puppet? Even i had to admit that i too am a puppet to my emotions. And the name 'davey' while it represents much good it also has much bad. I spent too much time refusing to show people i loved them. Refusing to cry. Always keeping people a distance away. Being 'davey' meant my breaking down in hysterics with my knight josh(cause i couldnt handle sex or getting close with anyone), then not even trying to date for ages. it meant me cutting up (or burning) my wrists, groin, & face at times in my life cause i wasnt quite emotionaly stable & didnt know how to be. this is what davey became, better or worse. challenged or unchallenged. Hopefully puppet will avoid these painful pitfalls. Hopefully puppet is a name that assists me in being more open, more honest.

finally 'puppet' is not so much a play thing, but rather can be interpereted as the motif of a little boy. a motif that haunts my writings from time to time. it is of a little boy who's own spirit is circumvented by a harsh landscape that imposes itself upon the boy. The boy's own reality is under question as he deals with forces beyond his control. But it is through this questioning of who he is that he can truly determine his own existance. He can save his self.

6 comments:

gaylourdes said...

dear puppet,
welcome to the dollhouse.
love,
gaylourdes

rapunzel.emma said...

It still sits a little uneasy, but most of the reasonings are positive.

But then who am I to judge? I am hanging out with tina-addicts and alcoholics!

We all must walk our own path at our own pace.

I always loved David, and I always will.

e

rapunzel.emma said...

ps. you are not a little boy.

puppet said...

mmm... for me a name really isn't an identity. davey is puppet is me. its more of a reminder, a verbal marker, a semi serious play thing ms E. i'm not planning on walking around with a hand stuck up my arse because im a freak with a new name. & what ever make you think i think i'm a little boy? dont be silly... i'm a princess

yield said...

I guess if puppet becomes the puppet-master may be you can finally look at Davey from another’s eyes and understand the things that have been said all along to him by those in his life. That sometimes David can be wrong, and can be right and how others influence him and how he influences others in turn. That actions and words have consequences beyond what Davey readily saw or stubbornly chose not to see. From there you then have the choice of staying as puppet, returning to Davey or becoming a third being that is neither, the semblance of both?

rapunzel.emma said...

"Princess" is taken, honey. And I have the cheap-arse White Trash "PRINCESS" hoodie to prove it!

One to the Princess, none to the Puppet. PS. You are a hussy! Pink heart - ask me how.