I woke up so full of anger - just for one day. Such a strange day.
I hated the world, I hated the people around me, I hated you, I hated me. I hated everything.
I couldn't stand the silly games people play, That i followed through with, that i on occassion initiated myself.
I hated the taste of retribution & power in my mouth - in my words. It felt no different to guilt or defeat. I hated those things too.
I resented being the show-pony, the little doll-puppet. Some cutsy boy, some sexy fuck. I didnt want to be an angel! I cant stand being your dirty little boy!
I held contempt towards those who told me my feelings werent true, that they had to be false. And i hated doubting my heart, the heart should never be in doubt.
Damn all those who betrayed me. Who srugged me of who took me for little more than a grain of salt.
I abhored all the evils of the world. The capitalist system. I resented the socialists for their faliures.
I felt exhausted by all this anger & resentment. But i persisted. I needed to feel this. For this moment atleast.
Spit in the face of those who love me. Bleed for those who envy me. Belittle those who need me. Silence to those who speak to me. Spite myself.
I hate the fact that i cry - i'm ment to be the strong one! The fearless puppet - always ready to jump into action. I hate having to help everyone. Always.
I hated everything.
Applaud death as the just punishment to life.
I hated it all so much.
I felt like Asuka in her hopeless attempts to fight the Angel of Birds. I can hear her screaming in my head, saying the same thing now she did then. Shroulded in the light of the angels, teeth clenched & body contorted. 'I'd rather die than admit defeat now!' I hated being so powerless to things around me, and yet I persist. I persist. Persist i must.
It all ended when Greg broke the tension. For the next few hours i unraveled in the bar with adrian, paul, sam, sai & frank. They draw me into conversation as if to draw out the venom. I didnt cry - though i thought i would. I didnt scream, too exhausted for such things. I just sat & talked. Dazed but alive. Between the different boys, rocking back & forth. Craddled by their conversations.
Such a strange day, i wont forget it for a while, i shouldnt, but nor should i repeat it.
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4 comments:
~hugs~ I know how that feels. You are lucky enough to have friends close by to snap you out of it, keep them close because they love you regardless of hoy pissy you are.
thanks, sir.
And they are lucky enough to have you close too. At times, I feel, we fail to appreciate the whimsical and the wise around us. We can all too easily lose sight of the wonderful. Of the clever and cosseting, bold and brash, honest and faithful. Those who we know - if only for a frozen moment - make our day, or week or even just a brush past in a bar - a little better.
Being angry - for a second or a day or week - is just a part of who we are. Accepting that expression in those we love is just an obligation - or perhaps it is our responsibility. Just as we have our rights we have the responsibility to accept that anger is just a part of the whole man.
Lovers, sinners, casual faces on the bus, long time companions and those with whom we measure out our afternoons. Our coffee spoon companions! When we see that they all can be angry (that at times they have to be angry) and that it is their right - as it is ours in turn - then all is right with the universe.
Well mine at least - and the rest of you can all go ...
On a lighter note - the thing about days like that is it feels so good when it stops ...
Hi there fella.
I just wanna say most of my days are like that, and i know how crappy they are. My problem arises from the fact that im the "Totally self-sufficient boy", so nobody reachs out for me assuming that i can handle things myself.
I beg you to keep oyur friends as close as possbile, never hesitate about talking with them, since that is what feeds your friendship.
My life is not the one of a loser, but sort of. Im the kind of guy who's mentally some steps forward, and im not keen on what most people do, so in some way i am rejected, but learnt to live with it, even though i wanna rub out those silly things that keep me apart form people, but i cant find no understanding.
Well, too much of me. Just keep on moving and learning cos, after all, its just you who can improve your life.
See ya pal
God bless ya
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