all good things

at page 263 of Naomi Klein's "the Shock Doctorine" i cant help but feeling bewildered at the depth and scope of the book. its a bit of an emotional read (as is stories of capitalist exploits usually are) but it really is an a book-for-the-times, as they say.

January 1788
A flag is placed. We read that a terra nulluis is declared by colonial powers to now be called Australia.

July 1969
We watch our screen to see a flag placed by a sole astronaut. The frigid moon has now the footprints of the western capitalist complex.

November 1989
The screen comes to life as the MTV flag is placed into the ruble of the fallen Berlin wall.

Upon the reception of Stravinsky's musical composition (and ballet performance)'Rite of spring' he was run out of the town by the enraged citizens of Paris.

i get a call from my sister. tonight my brother has taken a turn for the worse. im so numb inside.

The Shock Doctrine

I bought the book by Naomi today and after 20 pages into it i'd say its a must read

a lot is on

i wont be blogging as regularly in the coming months. Im a little over loaded. At the moment i have made the following commitments:

a 4 day a week job
dance training equating to 2 hrs/5 days per wk
psych registration (god only knows what this means)

and then for some reason i decided to do some....
volunteering with vibewire
voulenteering with AOCN
organise a cubs event.

I may have to drop something or push somethings together - this is a bit much!

i am currently obsessed by the image of a single red line drawn across the horizon of a plain white page

things i find attractive

do you ever wonder why it is that we find particular things attractive? i for instance have a particular affliction for cute noses. i never did quite understand it myself, i just know that i like it. there are other things too. the broad of the back, a light flickering of freckles, nice legs, even an intense expression.

i had a dream last night

I had this dream last night where my mum had come back from the hospital and she was ok. She was younger, and i was younger - like a scene from out past. For that moment in the dream i got a chance to hug her again and tell her that i loved her and that i missed her and that i didn't want her to go again. then i woke up at about 3am.

Freud said dreams were wish fulfillments. And perhaps i wanted my wish to be fulfilled. I knew it was a dream when i woke but i toyed with the idea for a bit, as if it really could happen. Could... Could Not... Would Not... I toyed with the idea but i had no hope for it eventuating. I laid there and just cried for a bit... then drifted back to sleep.

close to you

Me and Steve out and about :)

Why do birds suddenly appear,
every time you are near?

Just like me,they long to be
close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky,every time you walk by?
Just like me,they long to be close to you.

On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to
create a dream come true.
So, they sprinkled moon dust in your hair, with gold and starlight
in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town follow you all around;
Just like me, they long to be close to you.

new job

working at my new job seems to be going well... so so i think hehehe

i always get a little paranoid when i start a new place. Will i be capable? Will i come across well? Or with the think they hired a nut case? Luckily at this job i seem to be less anxious than i usually get. Is puppet becoming the epithet for a well adjusted person with anxieties under control - who knows?!

Its fun working here at carers NSW. Its in the city so all is near. Its 4 days a week - so i have more free time. Its a good career choice considering its going to help me with getting my registration as a pscyhologist. Yay :)

dorothy's dance camp

yay! i got onto the same same website twice!! here i am at Dorothy's Dance Camp. I was soo sweaty that my stamp rubbed off twice!!

postscript

Thanks for those who kept up with the story im happy to have finished it. Im not quite sure if ive put enough in the ending to make it mean what I intend it to mean - but thats cool. On a reproduction into zine form i'll be sure to clean it up.

A friend asked me if i was Jonas. Well the answer is yes i am Jonas and no im not. I identify strongly with Jonas. Much of his experiences relate to mine. Positive and negative. But then again the other characters draw from me too. I am like Sebastian and Toby too, in ways. All that happened in the story was 'true' in one way or another. Positions were inverted, meanings differed but still the essence of the event was never corrupted. So even though im not quite Jonas, Jonas is still a poetic (re?)interpretation of my life.

Statement of practice
the story was based on a original two page draft that did not have an end. The task was to complete the work via a blog format. Each entry was written in one or two seating's maximum. After entries i would avoid reading over more than once so as to avoid excessive rewriting. This was to make sure i finished it but lead to lots of grammatical errors. Sorry!!

Each entry required a deal of self containment so as to provide entry consistency. I wanted to be true to Ugresics theory/philosophy that a good story teller is a seamstress by making sure that i stuck to the particular motifs within the earlier entries and sought some sort of symbolic resolve at the end. Only the metaphor/motif of the compass was introduced at the end to symbolise (hopefully) the new/redetermining. The idea was to follow Jonas & to delve into a more internal landscape of thoughts and emotions rather than direct conversations actions or events. I guess this was an existentialist exercise at its very core.

Resolve
its been a long time since i last wrote 'fiction'. Ive enjoyed it - though i dont know if i'll do it any time soon again. And if i do i dont think it will be in blog format - i fear it may have confused and isolated readers. But all in all:
Writing this story has made me a better person.

18. The End

Skin - Faithfulness

17. Parting gifts

'I'm going to miss you, but I'm sorry i have to go.' Jonas was sobbing by this point. He felt as if all he had said was an extended list of clićhes. He hoped that this was making sense. Sebastian looked pained. He saw the hurt he caused & the held back tears. Jonas couldn't help the situation. It had to be. They began to say their parting words. Things had come to an end. Sebastian stood up reaching into his pocket. He returned his hand to the table giving Jonas one last kiss. Jonas watched him leave. It was only as the door closed did he think to look down at the table. There lay a small little toy. A compass. A little tool for the safe return of those who travel by sea.

16.The tears of Eros

Wooden floor boards pressed into Jonas' belly. His face pressed flat on the floor. He looked through the open door and into the adjacent room with his slanted gaze. Every object he could see was now tilted to the side.

He remembered that first encounter. Bastian had held him so tightly. How he had longed to be held tighter. And why was that? he asked himself now. He thought about it again. He had been afraid. Been afraid that he would leave, afraid that the love wouldn't be returned, but there was something else about it.

Feelings flickered into the past. Jonas pulled his eyes tight and tuned to his side. His body contorted as he replicated his movements. Hand pulled across his chest as if to remember Bastian's grip. The pleasure, the pain, the violence. And then, just for a single moment, he had been pulled into Bastian. Jonas had disappeared. Given up completely to him. The sensation was enjoyed as much as it was feared. For he was in love and he loved it. And yet this love threatened his very existence. All these feelings while pressed so close to another was so completely different to all he had ever known. Yet he could not through them away. yet he could not completely accept them.

Salty liquid squeezed from his eyes. Were these tears of love or moruning? The weight of the present met with the weight of the past. He remembered that little boy who had such fear that he promised himself to never-ever be near anyone again as he hid in his closet. here was now that little boy who once again receded into a closet only to then realise that what surrounded him was the arms of a lover. And how he had enjoyed the moment even as he feared it. It meant the end of what he had been until now.

marriage rally

A pic of zoo at the rally. It was good!

durty at phoenix

i didnt take any drugs, and i only had 3 beers, but i still managed to find an excuse to take my shirt off hehehe

15. the darkest peru

A boy lies to himself because the image of a loved one clutching the stuffed bear given by an ex 'just means too much'. A boy hugs a stuffed teddy bear and falls asleep, in this object he finds the false sense of attention that is he soo dearly needs.

The advent of love was unexpected, so much so that he does not understand it. He yearns it, and yet fears it. These feelings from the depths of his heart. It penetrates through all he is and it confounds all he knows. It threatens his very soul.